Interview with Dr. Timothy Graham - Hen's Night Expert

Interviewer: Hello everyone, today on the show we have Dr. Timothy Graham; who is the world's first individual to achieve a doctorate in Hen's Night studies at Harvard University. Dr. Graham, thank you for joining us

Dr. Graham: Not a problem, Mr Koskov-Koskov

Interviewer: Now, Dr. Graham, tell us about your basic philosophies on Hen's Nights and how you used them as an inspiration for your new book, "Penis-Shaped Straws"

Dr. Graham: Well, it essentially stems from my participatory observation of several highly frequented bars and restaurants around Brisbane. Jo-Jo's Restaurant was where I first began to form the hypothesis relating women to stupidity. This was grounded in my observations, which revealed that women participating in "Hen's Nights" were typically of a poor quality in terms of socio-economic status, linguistic abilities and general attractiveness. They also seemed to have a shameful obsession with drinking their drinks out of plastic penis-shaped straws, which, I might add, they also thought was rather important in the entire process. My argument is that they have NO NEED to integrate this obsession with penises into their Hen's Nights for several reasons which I will mention further on.

Interviewer: Well, as you stress in your book - women's relentless pursuit of penises and their respective paraphenalia is rather gratuituous and futile. Why do you think that these kind of practices still take place on Hen's Nights?

Dr. Graham: The women involved in these Hen's Nights are dim-witted and docile creatures, Yuri. They see no further than the pleasure or pain they derive from certain actions or items. They are, frankly, basically animals.

Interviewer: What has always intrigued me is their desire to engage in any penis-related act, even when it would be something that they would choose not to do on any normal night - and with good reason. It's gratuitous, as I said. It's almost self destructive, isn't it?

Dr. Graham: It certainly is. Heed my words well, Mr Koskov-Koskov, these women are ANIMALS - they act in irrationally hedonistic ways.

Interviewer: How is it hedonism, though? There's nothing pleasurable about a penis in the purely aesthetic Hen's Night sense - such as drinking a vodka cruiser through a penis shaped straw or giving a handjob to a male stripper.

Dr. Graham: What you have alluded to in your question is actually a reflection of the deeper issue. Have you noticed how women like to shop so much? Like to horde items etc.?

Interviewer: Yes. I think all men have noticed that!

[audience laughter]

Dr. Graham: Precisely! [Laughter ensues] This symbolic interactionism with the objects around them is what drives women to act. For normal, rational humans, i.e. men, we can derive pleasure from the very practical use of a thing. Women, on the other hand, have no such ability. So drinking from penis-straws conveys a symbolic meaning, which is indeed the ONLY way these animals can gain pleasure from such an act. The problem is that these Hen's Night animals have had their symbolism warped beyond compare.

Interviewer: That's an interesting point you make, in regards to men. A man in an analogous situation to a Hen's Night wouldn't see any logical gain in drinking from a straw shaped like a sexual organ - or using their hands to play with a woman's genitalia. Neither act would result in any constructive sexual arousal - and men are intelligent enough to see this and act rationally.

Dr. Graham: But of course; we are indeed rationally minded and capable of operating with common-sense and practicality. Regardless, these animals still continue to drink from the very symbol of their destruction and downfall. Do they really think dicks are going to make them any better people? Do they REALLY think dicks are going to make them feel wanted and meaningful?

[audience murmuring]

Dick is womens' downfall, worldwide. These animals are following a tradition that not only serves NO PURPOSE, but is also contributing to their ridicule and inequality.

Interviewer: It's quite stunning isn't it? The source of almost all the self-esteem problems suffered by women is their need for constant sexual gratification (i.e. dick) which is, though they have trouble acknowledging it, in direct conflict with their need to be respected and loved as a person.

Dr. Graham: It is one of the most intriguing and profound paradoxes in the universe.

Interviewer: Well, we're almost out of time. Do you have any final thoughts or advice based on what you've learnt in your studies of Hen's Nights?

Dr. Graham: Yes, a few final words, if I may...
- Don't, in any circumstances, laugh at a woman who points her penis-straw at you and demands in a slurred, screeching voice "Listen darling, get us a red vodka cruiser will ya?" This will only reinforce the problem, and her ensuing downfall.
- Don't trust a woman.
- Don't trust a man who trusts a woman.
- Don't trust a man either.
- Be VERY, VERY cautious when delivering wheelbarrows full of petroleum jelly to a navy base.
Those are the thoughts I shall leave you with, Mr Koskov-Koskov...

Interviewer: Thank you, Dr. Graham

[audience cheers]