An Objective Review of Myself

Well exams are over, so I figured instead of taking the obvious route of engaging in exultant acts of hedonism involving various intoxicants and scantily clad gypsy mummas, that i'd rid myself of any pleasure I may have gained by completing a year of uni by dabbling in some depressing and indulgent self analysis.

What follows is an objective and detailed review of myself in which I will rate myself out of 10 in ten categories followed by my final, definitive star rating. Enjoy.

An Objective Review of Yuri Koskov-Koskov

Personality: Shows no obvious or consistent sign of being an individual at all, let alone a good one. You might think that you understand Yuri's personality and what he's about - but that's because you haven't seen the real Yuri (not that there is one). A complete phony who's only saving grace is his mild ability to come across as genuine about 15% of the time.
1.5/10

Social Skills: Extremely poor at talking to the strangers 92% of the time. Extremely poor at talking to close friends and family 88% of the time [1]. Occasionally comes into his own in conversation - but even then quickly begins to come across as pretentious and ego-ridden. Has the attention span of an awkward 10 year old lonely child at any social gathering which doesn't involve his stock social group and eventually comes across as morose and rude. Says the most awkward and weak goodbyes of anyone you'll encounter and is equally appalling at introductions. Occasionally interesting or funny - but good moments are few and far between.
2/10

Sense of Humour: Traditionally is funny about 3 times a year. His weblog is quite amusing though.
3/10

Face: There is some potential here, but is generally ruined by shaving cuts and pimple removal scabs which will take over a week to heal. Any further potential is also quashed by Yuri's complete lack of facial animation or character (refer to personality).
3.5/10

Hair: Despite being Yuri's crowning aesthetic feature - statistical analysis has shown that his hair only actually looks any good for an average of about 1 and a half months a year. For the rest of the year he either looks like a closet homosexual or a 10 year old who's trying to look like his older brother by growing a mullet.
3/10

Body: Manages the quite sensational feat of having a body which possesses all the bad qualities of a disgustingly skinny man (scrawny and weak with upper arms which you can wrap your pinky around) whilst simultaneously possessing all the basic bad qualities of a fat man (man boobs, love handles). Also worth noting are the complete lack of tanning, no doubt caused by living in the ITEE building on a semi-permanent basis.
0.5/10

Penis:
0/10

Dress Sense: The only items of clothing which are even worth mentioning he was forced to buy at gunpoint by his ex-girlfriend. Not bad, but his complete lack of empathy for why what he is wearing actually looks good will hold him back in the long run.
4/10

Taste in Music: Although Yuri doesn't know nearly as much about music as he'd like people to believe his taste is still pretty good.
8/10

Prospects: Has completed his third year of Electrical Engineering at the University of Queensland. However, his lack of understanding of anything, poor attention span, shitty looks and poor personality will no doubt make him the laughing stock of any company he ends up working for (that's if he graduates).
3.5/10

Overall Rating:

*1/2 (out of 5 stars)

[1] Survey conducted by Graham Chappell