Top 5 Things to Say to People

1. "The cats of Australia have made their choice: 'Snappy Tom'."
2. "I love it when I'm watching sport and the game is nearing it's completion and the displacement between the two teams' scorelines is small enough that it is hard to predict for sure which team's score will be greater at the end of the game. The unpredictability of the situation makes me enjoy it more."
3. "You know, I will say the word 'cunt' at the bat of an eyelid and feel no more discomfort or remorse than if I'd said 'book' or 'shortbread'; but ask me to say 'vagina' out loud in front of a group of people and I get very nervous. I don't know why that is."
4. "Do you think all the characters in 'Hey Dad!' really died in the last ever episode? I mean, the bomb was planted in a video tape. They might have all suffered severe burns - but certainly not death. I, for one, didn't see why the series couldn't continue."
5. "I like my women the same way I like my spaghetti: thin, pale and fresh from being thrown in a tub of boiling hot water for 10 minutes."