Conversing

Terence: What are you eating there, hamish?
Hamish: Two bits of bread with some jam in the middle.
Terence: You don't mean...
Hamish: Yep.

More conversing soon...

DOGS!

Encounter with Pete Murray

Hello children. I, Koskov-Koskov, had the pleasure of meeting Brisbane music superstar Pete Murray recently. He came over to our house by chance and I had a discussion with him on what he's up to. I fortunately had a dictaphone on me at the time and casually hit 'record' when he entered the room. I have dictated the conversation we had and would now like to share it with you cunts. Enjoy:

Koskov: Hi Pete.
Pete Murray: Hello.
Koskov: I thought you would be on tour.
Pete Murray: I was but I'm home in Brisbane now.
Koskov: How has the tour been?
Pete Murray: It's been OK.
Koskov: Is touring hard?
Pete Murray: Yeah, sometimes.
Koskov: Was it difficult writing a follow up to an album as successful 'Feeler'?
Pete Murray: Yeah, sometimes.
Koskov: What did you try and do differently this time?
Pete Murray: I tried to make the music a bit different.
Koskov: And the lyrics?
Pete Murray: Yeah, the lyrics are a bit different too.
[15 second silence]
Koskov: Do you want some eggs?
Pete Murray: No, I had eggs for breakfast.
Koskov: What else did you have for breakfast?
Pete Murray: I had some muesli. There were wildberries in it.
Koskov: Do you like wildberries?
Pete Murray: They're OK, I guess. I didn't actually buy that muesli; they were my ex-girlfriend's and I had nothing else to eat. It reminded me of her and that made me sad because she left me.
Koskov: So you've 'seen better days', aye Pete?
Pete Murray (missing the joke): Yeah
[20 second silence]
Pete Murray: My ride is here.
Koskov: OK. Nice meeting you.
Pete Murray: You too. Goodbye.
Koskov: Bye.

Top 5 Things to Say to People

1. "The cats of Australia have made their choice: 'Snappy Tom'."
2. "I love it when I'm watching sport and the game is nearing it's completion and the displacement between the two teams' scorelines is small enough that it is hard to predict for sure which team's score will be greater at the end of the game. The unpredictability of the situation makes me enjoy it more."
3. "You know, I will say the word 'cunt' at the bat of an eyelid and feel no more discomfort or remorse than if I'd said 'book' or 'shortbread'; but ask me to say 'vagina' out loud in front of a group of people and I get very nervous. I don't know why that is."
4. "Do you think all the characters in 'Hey Dad!' really died in the last ever episode? I mean, the bomb was planted in a video tape. They might have all suffered severe burns - but certainly not death. I, for one, didn't see why the series couldn't continue."
5. "I like my women the same way I like my spaghetti: thin, pale and fresh from being thrown in a tub of boiling hot water for 10 minutes."

Signals and Systems - Episode V

Dr. Watson calmly approached the small section of woodland where Janet, Jeff and the hog lay. Watson liked to make himself presentable in awkward situations such as busting people staking out his house, so he straightened his bow tie did up the top button on his shirt. Janet's trembling became uncontrollable. Jeff attempted to calm her down as Watson had momentarily stopped in his tracks - no longer certain which direction the scent of the crumpet wafted from. He saw a window to sit out Watson's advance in the hope that he would give up the search and discount the scent as a freak occurence unrelated to any potential staking out of his house. But this was not to be; Janet's trembling overwhelmed her to the point where she vomited violently on Jeff's sports jacket and the hog's torso. Watson's eyes turned directly to them. He knew exactly where they were now.

Jeff was aware of Watson's reputation as a merciless head-puncher. He knew that Watson would find them any second. In an unlikely moment of tactful forethought - Jeff stood up, shined his torch on his face and said 'Dr. Watson. We surrender. We have been staking out your house. May sweet Jesus have mercy on my soul for committing such an act. I'm not sure why I did it. Seriously; I don't.'

'Is that you, Felt?' Dr. Watson muttered.
Jeff froze in bewilderment. 'Daddy?' he said.

Top 10 Reasons not to Eat a Sandwich at a Construction Site

1. If your sandwich is really, really nice, the other workers might get jealous and try and 'demolish' you.
2. If your sandwich is really, really, really nice the other construction workers may attempt to trade you your sandwich for theirs using false advertising (i.e. 'this is a really nice sandwich. you'd like it')
3. If you drop your sandwich, the 5 second rule could end up with you biting into wet concrete which will set in your stomach and make it itchy.
4. If the crane driver on the site is incompetent, he may accidentally pick up your sandwich on route to the crane's next destination.
5. Other construction workers may frown upon you and refer to you as 'white collar' behind your back because you're eating a nicely cultivated sandwich instead of stock blue collar food. (i.e. the Four'n'Twenty pie).
6. If you're stupid, you may have accidentally put chili on your sandwich instead of capsicum which could end up with you running around squealing like a girly-man. People will mock you for such behaviour.
7. If you're eating a sandwich on a port-a-loo, the intense smell created by past incidents in the port-a-loo could seep into the sandwich.
8. If you pop out to eat the sandwich for a moment, you may end up in a room with a television playing the Reba McClane show.
9. Reba McClane may smell your sandwich from afar and actually turn up at the construction site asking for a bite.
10. Reba McClane should be marched against a wall and shot 8 times in the head.

An Al Giordino collaboration

Calamity - A Forethought

What would happen if, for one reason or another, a large spike emerged from the earth's core and pricked a group of people sitting around in West End?

Wait, wait.... don't answer yet. Let me explain something first. The rough terrain that makes up Brisbane's largest portion is subject to many changes on a daily basis. Some of these are climactic and can only be explained by 3 of the top 5 meteorologists in South-East Queensland. Some of these revolve around Graham Fergelkon's 56 States of Consciousness which, if he is to believed, is a theory unto itself. Sometimes it doesn't change at all, which is unexpected and not at all normal. Thus, no change is a change. Catch my drift?

What I'm really getting at here is that no matter how many times you lead a horse to water, it's only ever going to be drinking from the same body of H2O. This is depressing for a horse. Before the days of saddles and leashes, horses were able to do as they please and concentrate their galloping and cantering energies into the spaces and times where they were most needed. If a horse wanted to go to water and decided to keep that particular water in their mouth while they ran to another body of water so that they could drink some of that too and form a cocktail of waters from various bodies of H2O, then fucking hell - why not?

This is all good and fine - but about the plaintiffs? Just because I see negative sides to some things that are accepted as normal in everyday human society, doesn't mean that those who act vigourously to ensure that these 'normal' values permeate throughout the sands of time don't have a point also. Take a horse for example; is it such a bad thing that we refuse cocktails of water to horses? Well, maybe. I don't see any specific reason why we should deny a horse that particular pleasure. But these things have to be seen holistically. Where would the human race be if we had decided that we were never going to oppress animals and all the other natural elements which would disagree with how we run the well. I'm sure if cactii could talk, it would tell me to fuck off. If if had any sense, it would say something which evokes much more sympathy because, really, if a cactus' first words to man where antagonistic profanities, we'd be unlikely to change our mind about treating them like shit. Although, I guess that isn't the best analogy. Of all creatures, cactii are probably the ones which humans have affected the least. They require very little attention to grow and when a human is assigned the job of doing fuck all, generally speaking a human will say 'OK'.

But where does that leave us? Well, one can't say with any degree of certainty that anything exists; for starters. So for me to claim giant generalities as being true is every bit as pompous as it is ignorant. But If I can't have my opinion - well - exactly! Why can't I have it? I mean, the very fact that we don't exist means that my actions don't matter one iota which means that nothing I do can be judged from a moral perspective and I can thus do what I want. If I want to state my opinion like it matters, then that's just as good as you claiming that I don't exist. It doesn't matter anyway, right dickhead?