I'm A Fat, Stupid, Impotent Man with no Skills With Women

I was watching Letterman at 1 in the morning recently, which at the time I felt was very highbrow and postmodern of me, because Letterman is cool. As I chuckled at his top ten list and got highly amused by his off-beat interaction with Biff Hendersen and Paul Schafer, my ego was in tip top shape and seemingly nothing could knock me off my new-found pedestal of merriment and self-love. That is, of course, until the first ad break.

The ad break started off with an add for RSVP, an online dating service. I got slightly uncomfortable as I briefly mulled over the idea that anyone could stoop that low, but other than that I got out relatively unscathed.

Then as if the advertising world was saying to me in the most condescending voice possible 'you just don't get it, do you?' another online dating service ad comes on. As if any two of these ads in a row wasn't enough to make me worry what target demographic channel 9 seemed so sure I was in - this ad insulted my intelligence by showcasing screenshots of their website which seemed to suggest to me that all the singles on their website were of a model standard of attractiveness and were all extremely keen to meet me. Then, over a still shot of an unrealistically hot woman in lingerie smiling at the camera, the voice-over woman says 'there are people here looking for 'fun, love, relationships or more' . What does the more mean? Marriage? Then why did the voice-over woman say it in such a sexually suggestive voice? I left this ad frightened and confused.

Then the advertising world struck and even lower blow with a tactfully placed weight-loss advertisement. I got the message in the first 10 seconds of the ad and spent the last 20 staring at my disgustingly bloated gut. Funny, I never noticed it until the ad came on.

I left for the kitchen where I intended to remove my own head with a meat cleaver and fry it in garlic - thinking it would probably make me feel better. As I perused the fridge for some garlic - a rare moment of optimism occured; Maybe it's just a co-incedence. These ads get shown during other shows sometimes - maybe it's just bad luck. I abandonded my search for the garlic, poured a cup of milk and returned to the television where channel 9 landed one of the most effective sucker punches in the history of the universe...

'You're an Impotent Loser' a woman then exclaimed on the television, looking me straight in the eye. Well, that's not exactly what she said - but she may as well have. 'Now that's really wild!' was the actual catchprase that she said as she finished her monologue for Wyld: for Men , a popular aphrodisiac. Despite quite clearly accusing me of being impotent, I guess at least this ad reassures me that I at least have enough skills with women to get to the position where impotence might actually be an issue. Thank you, Wyld.

I'd like to thank channel 9 for finally opening my eyes to the fact that i'm a fat, stupid, impotent man with no skills with women. I used to think that watching David Letterman was a perfectly healthy and manly thing to do - but obviously I was wrong.