10 Uses For A Hammer

Hammers are surprisingly versatile. Far from being nought but an irritatingly overpriced implement integral to the process of hanging up a painting of a house or an amusing calendar, hammers are equally adept in more meaty, unexpected contexts. Let me prove it with the forthcoming list:

1. On your office/home work desk, balance the hammer on the side of the head used for pulling out nails. The hammer suddenly takes on the form of an aesthetically pleasing and unusually non-static piece of visual art. Marvel as the hammer wobbles each time you make even the most subtle of physical movements on the desk. Weeeeee!
2. If you're attending a themed party which requires you to dress up as a professional who's job description possesses the same first letter as your name, place a hammer in your belt and WULLAH, you've come halariously dressed as a Carpenter (I'm assuming here that you're name starts with 'C').
3. If you're a high court judge depressed by the tedium of you're work, a hammer makes for a very amusing gavel. If anybody in the court asks you why you are using a hammer, simply say in a comically halarious tone 'My wife threw my gavel in the washing - I had to improvise'. Everyone in the court house will die with laughter; especially if it's a rape case.
4. If you're at a friend/relative's house and they own a dog; go to their hardware cupboard, retrieve some superglue and glue the hammer to the dogs tail. Watch on in hysterics as the dog whines in confusion and whacks itself in the face every time it attempts to chase its tail.
5. When exams are over, take all of your text books for that semester into the great court and pound them with your hammer. Make sure you do this oblivious to the fact that a thick, university-type text book will probably not actually sustain any damage from this method.
6. Enter a busy toilet complex with your hammer in hand, in full view of everyone. Enter your toilet. A few seconds later, before the other people leave, hide the hammer up your jumper/shirt and leave the toilet. Be smug for the rest of the day knowing that the people in the bathroom will spend the rest of their lives wondering what on earth you did with that hammer.
   
7. Break a toilet. Have you ever seen a toilet break before? Neither have I, but it sounds highly amusing.
8. Use it as a pointer when giving oral presentations. If the examiner asks you why you're carrying a hammer just say 'I'm sorry, I don't speak spanish.'
9. Hammers make very amusing cutlery items. If you're dining in the Schonell Pizza Caffe, for example, use the nail grabber to pick up each piece of pizza. If anybody gives you a funny look, just say 'get with the times, gilfriend' and proceed to remove your pants.
10. If you're teaching Dutch to school children and they're having trouble remembering the Dutch word for 'bucket', a hammer will make for an unforgettable prop to assist their learning.
    

more domestic advice soon...