WANKER

Oooooooooooh hello - what have we here?

Just when you think it can't get any worse, some cunt creeps up behind you and knocks you about until the washing capabilities of that Vietnamese guy who cleans the blinds every midsummer seems somewhat repugnant compared to the young lady you escorted to the jelly bean factory on Tuesday. Don't get me wrong - I'm not a fascist. Vietnamese people rank quite highly for me as far as Asian countries are concerned. The threat of communism was never a bother for me nor was the threat of the north Vietnamese people in general. But I have to be honest here - who hasn't, from time to time, questioned their beliefs? I, for one, have questioned my beliefs. Who hasn't?

Well, it's that time again. I don't know why I keep leaving it so late and it is unfortunate that the petty quibbles that led to the delay of progress have sent me to the Ya-Yas and back. Speaking of Ya-Yas; get them out. I want to see them.

All the different colours. Infinite amount of colours if you think about it. Think about in an Analog sense. If you think of it digitally, these things become finite and I'm not a man who likes dealing in facts or half measures. Indeed, I am not saying that Nyquist was a moron - but it is mathematically impossible to argue that just because you're reading the effect of something 44100 times a second doesn't mean that if you were reading it for an amount of time so small that nobody can comprehend it (think 1 divided by infinity) would certainly raise a few eyebrows.

When you're on a roll, you're on a roll. That's my philosophy this midsummer.

Top Ten Signs That You are a Dog

1. You have difficulty handling door knobs and are eternally grateful that a small, square section of the door has come loose and you use this to enter your house.
2. You find yourself largely unwelcome in social situations unless you are accompanied by a creature with large, dark glasses who waves a metal stick around.
3. Despite your best efforts, your vocabulary extends only to slight phonetic variations of the word 'Woof!'
4. Cats irritate you.
5. No matter how many times you hear the sound of an engine, it still makes you want to run around yelling like a maniac.
6. You find basic mathematical theorems to be incredibly difficult to understand.
7. You find yourself attracted to bitches (this can also be a sign that you are, in fact, a man).
8. People get sent to jail for refusing to collect your faeces.
9. You have extremely thick, consistent chest hair. And back hair. And everywhere else.
10. You're 10 years old and your guardian still hasn't enrolled you in primary school.

Fuck.

Koskov-Koskov's Great Celebrity Encounters - Episode 2

Celebrity: Dave McCormack
Date of Encounter: July 7th, 2005

I was at Ric's to witness performances by Dave McCormack and the Polaroids as well as Gentle Ben and his Sensitive Side. Being a particularly intimate venue with no real backstage to speak of (if you were to identify an area as the backstage, it would be the bar), all the band members were just waltzing around drinking and laughing amongst the crowd. For a portion of the interim before Gentle Ben's set began, McCormack was standing in front of the stage talking to some women.

At this time I was leaning against one of the tables facing the stage, which meant that Dave, along with being only 1 or 2 metres away, was always in my peripheral vision. During this period, on at least 5 occasions, our eyes met for a brief but awkward moment. Each time this happened I could never work out who initiated the eye contact. One or two of the times it was definitely me. The other times, I was tempted to point the finger at Dave.

If this wasn't already exciting enough, the icing on the cake came later in the night just when McCormack was walking on stage for his show. I was standing right up against the stage, McCormack approached and I had to move a little to let him through. When he went through he said 'sorry, mate'.

Koskov-Koskov's Great Celebrity Encounters - Episode 1

Celebrity: Fred Couples
Date of Encounter: Some time in 1997

I was at the big Australian skins tournament which was being played somewhere in Queensland (I can't remember where). The lineup of golfing talent was Larry Mize, Fred Couples, Roger Davis and Peter Senior. I was kneeling down at the side of one of the tees as the players were getting ready to tee off. I peered to my left where Fred Couples was standing idle. He was staring at me. I stared at him. He continued to stare at me. I looked away. I looked back and he was still staring at me. I got scared and moved to the back of the tee. After Couples and the other players had teed off, Couples' caddy handed me his 99% empty bottle of Powerade and said something to me. I think he said 'finish it'. To this day I'm not entirely certain. I got Couples' signature after the presentation. He signed my hat. He wasn't a very affable man. I lost the hat months later.

Wine

What happens when you have a glass of red wine freshly delved from a $5 bottle and you feel oddly compelled to write a blog article whilst drinking it? Let's see...

Hmm.... let me just swish this around and take a whiff... ah yes.... I'm getting grapes... I'm getting... well, mostly grapes really.

I was thinking today about how awesome The Late Show with Dave Letterman is. It's much better than The Tonight Show with Jay Leno. Late Night with Conan O'Brien is consistently amusing - I imagine he is more like what Letterman was like in the 80's before he apparently 'lost it'. Lost what exactly? I'm not sure. I'm always telling people how amusing The Late Show is but they always debase my joy by saying 'Letterman isn't funny anymore. He was much edgier in the 80's'. This irritates me. Does me liking the show mean that it's all in their heads and he's actually still very funny now and their dislike of Letterman's new material is inspired purely by some nostalgic bias? Or is Letterman really not funny anymore and I'm a simple, unintelligent man with terrible taste in comedy. How could that be, though? I like the Office and Curb Your Enthusiasm - the most influential 'cult' shows of recent years. I always wince whenever somebody mentions that they like 'Skithouse'. I hate Rove McManus and think that his success and Shaun Micallef's failure in the late night talk department is the best proof we have that we're living in a country full of morons. So what if Letterman's best material involves reading out a Top Ten list which he had no hand in writing and pulling an amusing face whenever he finishes sipping a cup of coffee? I could just as easily say that Ricky Gervais' portrayal of David Brent isn't funny because his best material is momentarily looking at the camera from time to time. It's all very basic physical humour - what's the difference? You're all shit. Letterman is funny.

And another thing; how many variations on the term 'Late Show' can the world come up with until the lack of a new synonym brings the genre to a grinding halt? There's already been 'The Late Show', 'The Tonight Show', 'Up Late', 'Late Night', 'The Late Late Show', 'Tonight' and no doubt scores of others which my limited research involving 2 minutes of browsing on imdb.com failed to discover. I swear, the entire world is being driven into an inescapable corner. This is a more immediate threat than global warming or terrorism. Mark my words.

Job Interview

Hi everyone!

I just met my new employer three days ago and I had a dictaphone on me so I figured I'd record the initial interview. It was interesting! Here's the dictation.

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[Koskov Enters]

[Seamus O'Reilly is sitting with his feet up on the desk, typing into a mobile phone]

Koskov-Koskov: Excuse me, Mr. O'Reilly, I'm here about the P.I. work.

[O'Reilly doesn't look up from his mobile]

O'Reilly: Yeah, little buddy. 'Uno momento' .

[Waves his arm to the chair. Koskov takes a seat as O'Reilly continues typing away at a text message. Silence ensues for 10 seconds before O'Reilly finally looks up at Koskov. ]

O'Reilly: You're not black.

Koskov-Koskov: Um, no...

O'Reilly: [mumbling as he scribbles on a pad] Well, that'll be a problem for my night missions...

Koskov-Koskov: Sorry?

O'Reilly: So you're not black. How good are you at creeping around in the dark, smoking and making very little noise?

Koskov-Koskov: Well, I played spotlight once when I was in primary school...

O'Reilly: Were you smoking?

Koskov-Koskov: No. What's the job description here, exactly?

O'Reilly: [Strokes his non-existant beard] Well, here's the thing; I'm a pretty big deal in the Private Investigations scene. People text me, as you saw, or they fax me [points to dusty fax machine] special 'assignments' for me to complete. Naturally, my cunning intellect and keen sense of danger sees me through all these assignments without a hitch - but the butter only spreads so far. I need some help. Backup. Reinforcements.

Koskov-Koskov: Well, you read my resume. Am I qualified?

O'Reilly: I don't care much for resumes. You've got a twinkle in your eye. Not just anyone can fight crime - but I think you've got 'it'. That's enough.

Koskov-Koskov: Well, that's nice.

O'Reilly: [chuckling] I like you, kid. You've got a certain finesse that young kids just lack these days [points to a picture of three mentally retarded children on a swingset]

Koskov-Koskov: Uh huh.

O'Reilly: Now, if I were to ask you to take up smoking to get the job, would you be willing to? [begins sifting through a drawer] I use an ingenius smoke-signal communication style in my P.I. work. If you need to send messages, it's all in the puff. [Pulls out a cigarette, and hands it to Koskov] Light it up now, and taste the smooth flavours within.

Koskov-Koskov: [Takes a drag and start's coughing] Sorry - the only time I've ever smoked was during grade 10 drama when I had to puff a herbal cigarette to 'get into character'. [still coughing]

O'Reilly: Ok this is a problem. I like you, Michael, and I want to give you the job. But first, you're going to have to learn how to smoke. There's no other way. If you're in the car, eating a meringue and I'm over on the corner up against a post under the streetlight and puffing away communicating to you that I need you to come around the South-west entrance on Sussex Street, I'm going to need you to be puffing back. It's that simple.

[pulls out a pack of cigarettes]

O'Reilly: I'm sending you away now and I want you to smoke this entire pack tonight whilst watching the first series of Magnum P.I. [points to comically large poster of Tom Selleck on wall] Selleck will show you the way. He's a cool guy. Get to know him. Report back here at 9am, no make it 10am - no, actually, make it 1pm and show me you can puff like a man. Then you'll have the job. What say you Michael?

Koskov-Koskov: It's Yuri.

O'Reilly: [laughing] I like a man with a sense of humour!

Koskov-Koskov: I'm in. I'll see you tomorrow, Mr. O'Reilly. Thank you for this opportunity.

O'Reilly: It's my pleasure. Just keep your wits about you son - it's a fucking jungle out there.

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