Job Interview

Hi everyone!

I just met my new employer three days ago and I had a dictaphone on me so I figured I'd record the initial interview. It was interesting! Here's the dictation.

-------------------------------

[Koskov Enters]

[Seamus O'Reilly is sitting with his feet up on the desk, typing into a mobile phone]

Koskov-Koskov: Excuse me, Mr. O'Reilly, I'm here about the P.I. work.

[O'Reilly doesn't look up from his mobile]

O'Reilly: Yeah, little buddy. 'Uno momento' .

[Waves his arm to the chair. Koskov takes a seat as O'Reilly continues typing away at a text message. Silence ensues for 10 seconds before O'Reilly finally looks up at Koskov. ]

O'Reilly: You're not black.

Koskov-Koskov: Um, no...

O'Reilly: [mumbling as he scribbles on a pad] Well, that'll be a problem for my night missions...

Koskov-Koskov: Sorry?

O'Reilly: So you're not black. How good are you at creeping around in the dark, smoking and making very little noise?

Koskov-Koskov: Well, I played spotlight once when I was in primary school...

O'Reilly: Were you smoking?

Koskov-Koskov: No. What's the job description here, exactly?

O'Reilly: [Strokes his non-existant beard] Well, here's the thing; I'm a pretty big deal in the Private Investigations scene. People text me, as you saw, or they fax me [points to dusty fax machine] special 'assignments' for me to complete. Naturally, my cunning intellect and keen sense of danger sees me through all these assignments without a hitch - but the butter only spreads so far. I need some help. Backup. Reinforcements.

Koskov-Koskov: Well, you read my resume. Am I qualified?

O'Reilly: I don't care much for resumes. You've got a twinkle in your eye. Not just anyone can fight crime - but I think you've got 'it'. That's enough.

Koskov-Koskov: Well, that's nice.

O'Reilly: [chuckling] I like you, kid. You've got a certain finesse that young kids just lack these days [points to a picture of three mentally retarded children on a swingset]

Koskov-Koskov: Uh huh.

O'Reilly: Now, if I were to ask you to take up smoking to get the job, would you be willing to? [begins sifting through a drawer] I use an ingenius smoke-signal communication style in my P.I. work. If you need to send messages, it's all in the puff. [Pulls out a cigarette, and hands it to Koskov] Light it up now, and taste the smooth flavours within.

Koskov-Koskov: [Takes a drag and start's coughing] Sorry - the only time I've ever smoked was during grade 10 drama when I had to puff a herbal cigarette to 'get into character'. [still coughing]

O'Reilly: Ok this is a problem. I like you, Michael, and I want to give you the job. But first, you're going to have to learn how to smoke. There's no other way. If you're in the car, eating a meringue and I'm over on the corner up against a post under the streetlight and puffing away communicating to you that I need you to come around the South-west entrance on Sussex Street, I'm going to need you to be puffing back. It's that simple.

[pulls out a pack of cigarettes]

O'Reilly: I'm sending you away now and I want you to smoke this entire pack tonight whilst watching the first series of Magnum P.I. [points to comically large poster of Tom Selleck on wall] Selleck will show you the way. He's a cool guy. Get to know him. Report back here at 9am, no make it 10am - no, actually, make it 1pm and show me you can puff like a man. Then you'll have the job. What say you Michael?

Koskov-Koskov: It's Yuri.

O'Reilly: [laughing] I like a man with a sense of humour!

Koskov-Koskov: I'm in. I'll see you tomorrow, Mr. O'Reilly. Thank you for this opportunity.

O'Reilly: It's my pleasure. Just keep your wits about you son - it's a fucking jungle out there.

--------------------------------------------------