An Objective Review of Myself

Well exams are over, so I figured instead of taking the obvious route of engaging in exultant acts of hedonism involving various intoxicants and scantily clad gypsy mummas, that i'd rid myself of any pleasure I may have gained by completing a year of uni by dabbling in some depressing and indulgent self analysis.

What follows is an objective and detailed review of myself in which I will rate myself out of 10 in ten categories followed by my final, definitive star rating. Enjoy.

An Objective Review of Yuri Koskov-Koskov

Personality: Shows no obvious or consistent sign of being an individual at all, let alone a good one. You might think that you understand Yuri's personality and what he's about - but that's because you haven't seen the real Yuri (not that there is one). A complete phony who's only saving grace is his mild ability to come across as genuine about 15% of the time.
1.5/10

Social Skills: Extremely poor at talking to the strangers 92% of the time. Extremely poor at talking to close friends and family 88% of the time [1]. Occasionally comes into his own in conversation - but even then quickly begins to come across as pretentious and ego-ridden. Has the attention span of an awkward 10 year old lonely child at any social gathering which doesn't involve his stock social group and eventually comes across as morose and rude. Says the most awkward and weak goodbyes of anyone you'll encounter and is equally appalling at introductions. Occasionally interesting or funny - but good moments are few and far between.
2/10

Sense of Humour: Traditionally is funny about 3 times a year. His weblog is quite amusing though.
3/10

Face: There is some potential here, but is generally ruined by shaving cuts and pimple removal scabs which will take over a week to heal. Any further potential is also quashed by Yuri's complete lack of facial animation or character (refer to personality).
3.5/10

Hair: Despite being Yuri's crowning aesthetic feature - statistical analysis has shown that his hair only actually looks any good for an average of about 1 and a half months a year. For the rest of the year he either looks like a closet homosexual or a 10 year old who's trying to look like his older brother by growing a mullet.
3/10

Body: Manages the quite sensational feat of having a body which possesses all the bad qualities of a disgustingly skinny man (scrawny and weak with upper arms which you can wrap your pinky around) whilst simultaneously possessing all the basic bad qualities of a fat man (man boobs, love handles). Also worth noting are the complete lack of tanning, no doubt caused by living in the ITEE building on a semi-permanent basis.
0.5/10

Penis:
0/10

Dress Sense: The only items of clothing which are even worth mentioning he was forced to buy at gunpoint by his ex-girlfriend. Not bad, but his complete lack of empathy for why what he is wearing actually looks good will hold him back in the long run.
4/10

Taste in Music: Although Yuri doesn't know nearly as much about music as he'd like people to believe his taste is still pretty good.
8/10

Prospects: Has completed his third year of Electrical Engineering at the University of Queensland. However, his lack of understanding of anything, poor attention span, shitty looks and poor personality will no doubt make him the laughing stock of any company he ends up working for (that's if he graduates).
3.5/10

Overall Rating:

*1/2 (out of 5 stars)

[1] Survey conducted by Graham Chappell

We Found Him

That's right, children. By keeping my ears open during the credits for Crazy Crosswords and with some inventive research - I've done it.

I have found Steele Jensen.

http://www.thecomedychannel.com.au/whatsOn/comedianProfiles.aspx?c=13

As it turns out, to protect his identity (clearly so as to avoid stand-up comedy venues overflowing and thus causing riots and deaths), Steele has assumed the name of Jonathan Atherton. He recently 'spent 18 months performing throughout the UK and the US where he stunned audiences there with his remarkable ability for parody and political comment'. He also got the job as anchorman on the Discovery Channel's Lonely Planet.

I'll concede that the discovery is a little bitter-sweet for me. Sweet because he isn't dead (and for another exciting reason i'll mention in the next paragraph) but slightly bitter because Steele's huge success in international stand-up comedy and television has most likely ruined all my boyhood dreams of another series of Crazy Crosswords *sob*.

But now to the exciting stuff - Steele or 'Jonathon Atherton' (what kind of a name is Jonathon anyway?) will be performing three stand-up gigs at the Sit Down Comedy Club in Paddington between December the 16th and 18th! Even better news for me is that at the time of the show i'll be living about 150 metres from the venue and intend to ask Steele back to my house for an iced tea. If I'm feeling brave I might even ask if he'd like to do a crossword with me. God bless you, Steele. Here are the details of his Paddington gig. I expect to see you all there.

http://www.standup.com.au/show_event.asp?event_id=7414

Our Beloved Steele

now, if only I can find Velvet....

Interview with Dr. Timothy Graham - Hen's Night Expert

Interviewer: Hello everyone, today on the show we have Dr. Timothy Graham; who is the world's first individual to achieve a doctorate in Hen's Night studies at Harvard University. Dr. Graham, thank you for joining us

Dr. Graham: Not a problem, Mr Koskov-Koskov

Interviewer: Now, Dr. Graham, tell us about your basic philosophies on Hen's Nights and how you used them as an inspiration for your new book, "Penis-Shaped Straws"

Dr. Graham: Well, it essentially stems from my participatory observation of several highly frequented bars and restaurants around Brisbane. Jo-Jo's Restaurant was where I first began to form the hypothesis relating women to stupidity. This was grounded in my observations, which revealed that women participating in "Hen's Nights" were typically of a poor quality in terms of socio-economic status, linguistic abilities and general attractiveness. They also seemed to have a shameful obsession with drinking their drinks out of plastic penis-shaped straws, which, I might add, they also thought was rather important in the entire process. My argument is that they have NO NEED to integrate this obsession with penises into their Hen's Nights for several reasons which I will mention further on.

Interviewer: Well, as you stress in your book - women's relentless pursuit of penises and their respective paraphenalia is rather gratuituous and futile. Why do you think that these kind of practices still take place on Hen's Nights?

Dr. Graham: The women involved in these Hen's Nights are dim-witted and docile creatures, Yuri. They see no further than the pleasure or pain they derive from certain actions or items. They are, frankly, basically animals.

Interviewer: What has always intrigued me is their desire to engage in any penis-related act, even when it would be something that they would choose not to do on any normal night - and with good reason. It's gratuitous, as I said. It's almost self destructive, isn't it?

Dr. Graham: It certainly is. Heed my words well, Mr Koskov-Koskov, these women are ANIMALS - they act in irrationally hedonistic ways.

Interviewer: How is it hedonism, though? There's nothing pleasurable about a penis in the purely aesthetic Hen's Night sense - such as drinking a vodka cruiser through a penis shaped straw or giving a handjob to a male stripper.

Dr. Graham: What you have alluded to in your question is actually a reflection of the deeper issue. Have you noticed how women like to shop so much? Like to horde items etc.?

Interviewer: Yes. I think all men have noticed that!

[audience laughter]

Dr. Graham: Precisely! [Laughter ensues] This symbolic interactionism with the objects around them is what drives women to act. For normal, rational humans, i.e. men, we can derive pleasure from the very practical use of a thing. Women, on the other hand, have no such ability. So drinking from penis-straws conveys a symbolic meaning, which is indeed the ONLY way these animals can gain pleasure from such an act. The problem is that these Hen's Night animals have had their symbolism warped beyond compare.

Interviewer: That's an interesting point you make, in regards to men. A man in an analogous situation to a Hen's Night wouldn't see any logical gain in drinking from a straw shaped like a sexual organ - or using their hands to play with a woman's genitalia. Neither act would result in any constructive sexual arousal - and men are intelligent enough to see this and act rationally.

Dr. Graham: But of course; we are indeed rationally minded and capable of operating with common-sense and practicality. Regardless, these animals still continue to drink from the very symbol of their destruction and downfall. Do they really think dicks are going to make them any better people? Do they REALLY think dicks are going to make them feel wanted and meaningful?

[audience murmuring]

Dick is womens' downfall, worldwide. These animals are following a tradition that not only serves NO PURPOSE, but is also contributing to their ridicule and inequality.

Interviewer: It's quite stunning isn't it? The source of almost all the self-esteem problems suffered by women is their need for constant sexual gratification (i.e. dick) which is, though they have trouble acknowledging it, in direct conflict with their need to be respected and loved as a person.

Dr. Graham: It is one of the most intriguing and profound paradoxes in the universe.

Interviewer: Well, we're almost out of time. Do you have any final thoughts or advice based on what you've learnt in your studies of Hen's Nights?

Dr. Graham: Yes, a few final words, if I may...
- Don't, in any circumstances, laugh at a woman who points her penis-straw at you and demands in a slurred, screeching voice "Listen darling, get us a red vodka cruiser will ya?" This will only reinforce the problem, and her ensuing downfall.
- Don't trust a woman.
- Don't trust a man who trusts a woman.
- Don't trust a man either.
- Be VERY, VERY cautious when delivering wheelbarrows full of petroleum jelly to a navy base.
Those are the thoughts I shall leave you with, Mr Koskov-Koskov...

Interviewer: Thank you, Dr. Graham

[audience cheers]

Interview with myself

[opening credits roll]

Interviewer: Hello, everyone. Today I have the privelege of having myself with me on the show today. Yuri has been busy with exams and I would just like to thank him for taking time out of his busy schedule to to talk to himself today. Good afternoon.

Me: Hello Yuri. Hello, everyone.

Interviewer: So what have you been doing with yourself these last few weeks?

Me: Ah, you know, the usual: golf, masturbating, hurting small animals -

[laughter]

Me: Nah, seriously. I've been studying mostly.

Interviewer: Have you had any exams yet?

Me: Yes, I have already done one exam.

Interviewer: And how did that go?

Me: Yeah went very well - as you would know!

[laughter]

Interviewer: And how do you think you'll go in your other exams.

Me: Well, the worst of it is still to come. I'm quietly optimistic, though.... [grimaces]

[laughter]

Interviewer: I hate you

Me: I hate you too

[station close]

Help find Steele Jensen

Hello children,

Despite going through a busy period due to exams, I have taken some time out to make a worthwhile appeal to all the people throughout Brisbane (and possibly the world). The appeal I speak of, is for all of you to assist in any way you can to find Steele Jensen.

Steele Jensen is the former host of now defunct Briz31 TV game show, Crazy Crosswords. Throughout 1995 (and with the miracle of TV repeats - even now) he brought joy and laughter into households throughout Brisbane with his quirky hybrid of physical and verbal comedy. His plucky interaction with contestants, halarious foreign accents and daring street-talk segments were a breath of fresh air when stacked up against better paid, but always less innovative, game show hosts such as Larry Emdur and Glenn Ridge.

Unfortunately, due to the inherent cruelty of the cut-throat industry that is community television, Steele is nowhere to be found today. Tragically, a google search for 'Steele Jensen' retrieves no URL's whatsoever and a google search for 'Crazy Crosswords' produces 3 results; only one of which has anything to do with the actual show. The Briz31 website (www.briz31.tv) gives not so much as a picture of Steele or his beautiful co-host, Velvet, instead opting for an unflattering 70 word description of the show.

I urge all of you to do whatever you can to find Steele Jensen. A man with this talent and raw likeability should not be made to work like a dog on the stand-up circuit or on the dole. Let's get him back where he belongs - on television, where he can continue to enrich our lives and, once again, make us believe that television can be a great artistic medium.

Please, do what ever you can. At the very least tune into Crazy Crosswords - its on Briz31 at 11pm weeknights.

Exam and Blog Starting

Hello little children,

I have an exam today and thought that starting a blog would be the best way to prepare for it. I'm actually considering writing my final year thesis on the correlation between human beings starting web logs and gaining better understanding of the effect of increasing Field Current on the Excitation Voltage of Synchronous Generators. This is the best idea i've come up with in years.

Koskov-Koskov