A Day in Hollywood: A True Story

September 16th, 2000 - 3:15pm

Producer #1: I'm bored
Producer #2: So am I
Producer #1: Hey, how about we make a movie?
Producer #2: Ok... about what?
Producer #1: I don't fucking know.
Producer #2: How about we just take a little known European film and remake it with a 100 million dollar budget?
Producer #1: Haven't you heard of Vanilla Sky and Insomnia!? Everyone's doing that these days. Let's do something original.
Producer #2: Ok, How about we take a little known Japanese film and remake it with a 100 million dollar budget?
Producer #1: That's genius! I love it! In fact, I have this tape of some japanese horror movie called 'The Ring' or something in my office - I stole it from a charity bin.
Producer #2: Great! Let's remake it!
Producer #1: Shouldn't we watch it first?
Producer #2: Well... Ok. My Limo doesn't get here for a couple of hours, anyway.

[the two producers watch 'The Ring']

Producer #1: What did you think?
Producer #2: Oh, damn. I missed it all. I started daydreaming about horseys again.
Producer #1: Jesus! What is it with you and horseys!?
Producer #2: I like horseys!
Producer #1: Alright, alright... well - do you want to make the film or not?
Producer #2: Ok... but can we put some horseys in it?
Producer #1: No! There's no possible way that we can put horseys in this film without completely f*%king it up!
Producer #2: But I like horseys... [starts crying]
Producer #1: Oh, jesus... alright, i'll ask the screenwriter to put some horseys in the film, OK?
Producer #2: YAY!

The Time Has Come

That's right, children.

The Time Has Come

@ The Sit Down Comedy Club, Paddo Tavern, Paddington

Thursday 16th December - 8pm

Friday 17th December - 7pm and 9:30pm

Saturday 18th December - 7pm and 9:30pm

5 Easy Steps to a More Interesting You

Bored? Depressed? Worried that everybody who comes in contact with you thinks that you're a depressing loser? Worried that life will never improve for you? Well, never fear - here are 5 quick and easy things you can do to achieve instant success in every area of your life.

1. Refer to everything that you object to as 'the ---- that John West rejected'.
2. Use the word 'sandwich' at every available opportunity.
3. [for women] insist that you were once Velvet on Crazy Crosswords.
4. [for men] insist that you once slept with Velvet from Crazy Crosswords
5. Write an eight and a half minute long rock epic about subsistence farming

I've been doing a lot of thinking since I came up with this list and i've decided that it's flawless. In fact i've printed out 5,000 copies of the list and am now in the process of hiring homeless people to hand them out to people wearing fcuk t-shirts in Queen Street Mall. The revolution has begun...

10 Tips on How to Make Me Think You're a Loser

1. Wear a fcuk t-shirt
2. Wear a t-shirt which is intended to be a cop out of fcuk t-shirts but does such a poor job of it that it ends up being just as bad as an actual fcuk t-shirt
3. [for women] Start talking about your slutty sexual exploits as if finding a man desperate enough to enjoy fornicating with you or looking at your exposed breasts is some kind of achievement worthy of gratuitously dropping into conversation
4. Laugh at everything which incinuates something sexual as if the only prerequisite for good humour is that it somehow alludes to a filthy sexual act
5. Act all confused whenever I start talking about Crazy Crosswords or Steele Jensen.
6. Show off how ironic you can be by wearing a fashionable t-shirt which condemns fashion (such as the fcuk fashion t-shirt)
7. Get a job as a bouncer at Birdie Num-Num's in Fortitude Valley
8. Smoke in school uniform. In fact just be any high schooler who struts around like they're anything other than the dumb, worthless conformists that they generally are.
9. Start an ambiguous touchy-feely relationship with someone because you're both too boring to actually say anything interesting to each other.
10. Follow Manchester United, The Brisbane Broncos or the Brisbane Lions (I will let you off with a warning if you actually started following any of these teams before they became phenomenonally successful).

Good luck in your quest.