A Story, A Diatribe and a Final Solution
I was in Indooroopilly Shopping Centre the other day (a Sunday as it turned out - big mistake) with the intention of having a pleasant afternoon watching a film whilst sipping on a Vanilla Coke. It seemed like a perfectly hedonistic yet still somewhat respectable idea at the time. As I entered the complex - I realised that, as I was 20 minutes early for the film, I had to kill some time. So I did. My method of time extermination, I decided, would involve walking around the shopping centre in circles for a while, going to HMV and then circling the shopping centre for a little while longer - should add up to about 20 minutes, I thought. And 20 pleasant ones at that.
I was wrong. Dead wrong.
'So, what could possibly completely ruin 20 minutes of waltzing carefree around a shopping centre?' I hear you asking. 'Overconfident and intrusive salespeople? A misguided purchase? A freak accident with a shopping trolley?'
No, no and no. You're all completely wrong. There's only one force powerful enough to spontaneously turn a relaxed and quite jolly man into a angry, vomiting wreck: I speak, of course, of High School Students.
There is NOTHING on earth worse than a high schooler out and about in the city. And there were fucking hordes of them at Indooroopilly on Sunday. It was disgusting. In the space of the 20 minutes before the movie started, I had to run to the bathroom 3 times to violently spew my guts up just because of the sheer sight of them. In fact, half way through the movie I had to go out again to vomit because I thought I spotted another high schooler a few rows in front of me.
Next time you're out and about and see a group of high schoolers smoking or giggling about sex, providing you can resist the urge to flay them (though it's fine by me if you can't), take a few seconds out to look at them. You'll notice quite quickly that despite all clearly being inane delinquents with repugnant acne and no personalities - these high schoolers have somehow acquired fantastically large egos. Now, let me get this straight: High schoolers don't deserve to have any self-esteem. I deserve self-esteem. Not them. If they're parents did the right thing and sent them to the Solomon Islands the first time they started dressing like dicks and sluts and congregating in groups at shopping centres with fuckwit friends, perhaps the problem could be mitigated. But, alas, I am not in charge of parenting. Which is why I have come up with a better solution.
My idea is that the Australian government creates a new territory right in the middle of the country, in the harshest and least arid land in the nation, just for high schoolers. And I don't mean like a detention centre for bad high school students. I mean ALL high school students - they all look just as bad to me (I will make a couple of exceptions though - my cousin for example). What we do is send the high school students to this territory for the duration of their high school period (or until the students stop being idiots) until they are ready to rejoin society. They won't be allowed to congregrate in groups at shopping centres because there won't be shopping centres. If they want to socialise they have to do it whilst toiling in the fields or taming wild, man-eating horses. They will be forced to wear lifeless, unimaginative clothing and will only be allowed to listen to the music that I tell them that they are allowed to listen to (mostly Louis Armstrong and the Eels). Any sign that any of the kids show of an increase in ego or an inclination towards rebellion or fun will be met with a whip.
The kids will be allowed to come back to their homes once a year. However, they will only be allowed to see their parents on the condition that the parents dispense a public flogging (or stoning) to their kids prior to their meeting. If the parents do not wish to dispense the public flogging, the public flogging will be dispensed anyway. A pay TV channel will be created especially for broadcast of the floggings and Richie Benaud and Keith Stackpole will share commentary duties. The broadcast will also be fitted with a laugh track and state of the art instant replay capabilities.
I can't think of any reason why this isn't happening already. This is the best idea i've come up with in weeks.
posted by Biggles @ 11:33 am
16 Comments:
Your views on high schoolers are interesting to say the least, my only concern is that by identifying them as negative group of people, are you now inturn are just another one of the 18+ crowd that whinge about high schoolers. The post high school, uni, pot, beastie boy, crew who amass at "their" social networks only to whinge about "their" experiences with teenagers.
Have you become a older form of the homogenic mentality you find disgusting in younger generations?
p.s. I hate the fuckers as well.
Youth is wasted on the young? Perhaps.
They're arrogance, and they're joy, comes from an ignorance and a lightness of heart that are lost to us, and I question whether you should begrudge them either.
With useless penis' and evil women turning us into jaded men whose only pleasure is pulling off some sort of novelty one liner, can we really justify such bitterness?
Envy them if you wish. But can you really condemn them simply because they still hold the idiotic naivity that is lost to you?
J.Sinclair
Jack hates them too. what he hates most is that they have all been rooting, sucking, licking, and drinking each other since they were 10. they dont have anything to grow up too, and thus cause problems such as unwanted children, and the unnesaccary spread of STDs which then gets passed on the jack (once they are older of course!)
Damn malls, thry should be bulldozed to the ground anyway. there should be no malls, having no malls would fix a lot of problems. Jack.
Its not jealousy at all. These twats pointlessly hang around in the food courts with no intention of buying anything. Whatever they wanna do, fine, do it, but don't do it at our expence. If you go to the shopping centre, buy something, it doesn't matter who you are! These people don't need to be there, do they? Drive around any city and there's thousands of places they could hang out without pissing us all off. There's 1000's of these little twats in the food court at Indro, just hanging around, not shopping or whatever, but go outside and there's a park that virtually always deserted, can't they go there? Oh course they can, but they don't, they pointlessly loiter in the food court! If they had a reason to be there, fine, but they don't, it's pointless and taxing on everyone other than them. STAND UP AND SHOW THESE LITTLE PUNKS WHOS BOSS!
wow - i think i've really struck a chord with the Brisbane population.
Maybe we should seriously consider getting a petition together to send all high schoolers to the desert.
problem is with hip-hop and the internet kids these days think they're already adults when they're 12. But they're brains are still small and stupid. So we have these poxers from 12-17 who think they run the world but they are still dumber than a pack of cigarettes. They don't know shit but they think they know everything. We need to beat them back into line, they won't listen (because they think they are oh-so smart) that's the only way they'll learn. We will come out with our clubs and tazors and show them who really runs this world, everyone but them.
Yeah take that you little pig fuckers!!! fucken little terd eating scrotum licking ball huggers!! i hate, ill say it again, i hate school kids!
I'm no fan of the high schoolers, but lets be realistic.
The entire idea of a food court is premised on the idea of "just hanging around". To demand them to buy something doesn't make a great deal of sense - no one goes to a mall to buy a coffee or a kebab - they happen to it because they are there.
Loitering in a food court is what you do. The whole industry works on incidental buying - that people, either buy shopping or loitering, will hang around so long that they have to eat.
Putting aside that issue, the entire food court system also works on the fact that it employs high schoolers. Oddly enough, if you hang around out the front of the builders on Riverside at 5pm, you will find a lot of lawyers and accountants.
Pointless ranting about your own insecurities is not comedy. (and by this I mean the above anonymous poster, not our dear Mr Koskov Koskov who actually identifies a solution)
When it comes down to it, there really is a lot to be said for the old soviet nursery system of abandoning the family unit in favour of a decent society. The neo-conservatives insistence on the revival of the family unit is what keeps the kids in the mall, and society in decay.
Socialist uprising is aspirational. Yet as long as we are under a Howard/Costello regime sending the kids to the desert is both more realistic, and more humane.
J. Sinclair
OK, lets be realistic. I don't see hordes of pensioners, road workers, pre-schoolers, soccer moms or CEOs lining the walls of the food court. Nooooo, I see high school students and nothing but high school students. Everyone else hangs out where they aren't pissing society off in the process.
Fair point about the impulse buying etc, but maybe that's why the nation is getting so fat. High school students blockading food courts, and while making life just a little worse for everyone else they are stuffing themselves with Macca's and KFC and then we have to pay for their insurance. Sure you might say, this isn't the point. But back to your impulse buying arguement, was there huge queues of high school students lining up for food? Not when I last checked. And you can bet regular shoppers stay clear of the food court and choose to eat elsewhere because they can't get a seat from you know who. Business for the food courts may slightly improve, but is it really worth it? There ar a lot of people who steer clear of shopping centres during holiday times simply because of the swarm of high school students, taxing non-food business revenue in the process.
Im a high skooler and me an my posse is gonna kik all yous in the fucken arse. I once bashed a cunt in the head with a sk8board. I am such a playa playyaaaa! holaaaa. When I was at the avril lavinge concert we hung out out side and waited for her. she was cool and didnt tell us to fuck off like you cunts. and we dont just hang out at the mall. and when we do hang out there we do actually buy stuff like slurpies. and as i said we dont just hang out at the mall, but at concerts too. and at 7-11 at 3am and dance outside the zoo because we can't get in. And like when we hang out side the club lookin supa ill, waiting to get picked up. I like hanging out outside of the mall by the entrance because it makes me feel like i am intimidatious. Even though its hot and i would rather be inside, Its worth it. I have to make a name for my self in this city. Its a dog eat dog world yo. and if i dont watch my back im gonna get done. ill done shoot yo asses if you dont get widit. so chill and holla. My posse is green. thats why toe. long live brizzi. my city my town yo. fishes in the barrier. word. neddy.
Jack says the 'skool' kid is very funny, and he can come and visit me, and my mates wil bash him. cause thats how he would do it. his friends would do the fighting for him. he, himself would just stand there and repeat in a threatening tone "go on, i dare ya"
And yes, all those things about food courts. Koskov said himself, theres a park right next to Indooroo, so why not put a "slurpie" stand there and have them out in the sun and maybe do some exercise other than rooting each other. Jack.
I never said anything about a park or a slurpie stand
My compliments to neddy - you'll go far son.
One of the above posters suggested that it wasn't profitable for the school kids to be hanging around. This is clearly not the case. If the past 30 years have shown us anything, its that the best way of identifying what is profitable is to watch what the businesses themselves do.
If the shopping centres didn't want the school kids there they would use the timeless trick of simply playing classical music over the speakers - it works without fail.
This really isn't an issue about pure economics.
What this issue is about in economic terms is market failure. Sometimes the profit motive drives us towards economically desirable outcomes - but with social costs. In this case high returns for the businesses, but annoying little fuckers for the rest of society.
Where there is market failure, the relevant authority (usually some level of government) will intervene - perhaps in this instance to ship the kiddies off into the desert. Unless I misunderstand I read Mr Koskov Koskov to be doning nothing more than applying these basic Keynesian principles - so lets not quible over the economics of it - the question is the need for a solution.
Putting a slurpy stand in the park will do shit all as a result. Shipping them to a dentention centre might. Some sort of bounty hunter system might also be viable.
Having said that, age based food court apartheid is the only realistic option of the lot.
Kind Regards.
J. Sinclair
was neddy kidding or not? if he wasn't he's just proved our point and if he was he's a funny bastard
i assure you that Neddy, far from being a high schooler, is a very able minded and humorous man.
For further proof check out www.nedmartin.org
it really is printed on 100% recycled electrons
hey. my skool is the shit, and shit yeah im am the koolest kat in my high skool. I am the shit. And I'll shit on your face yo. Cause I'm made of shit. neddy.
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