I'm Going to Help You to Become a More Interesting Person

I have a theory which states that everybody is, fundamentally, socially dysfunctional. When it comes down to it, everybody is intimidated in any unorthodox social situation, particularly with people they don't know, and wishes that they could just come out and say something which makes them seem affable, confident and interesting. Although many are shamed to admit it, nobody has anything to say to anybody, really.

Recently, myself and a fellow progressive known as Niall Boyd have begun a crusade to write a social dictionary of sorts - which will basically be a collection of questions and witticisms which can not only break the ice in uncomfortable situations, but completely bypass uncomfortable small talk and place people right in the thick of stimulating, enjoyable conversation. And YOU will hold the biggest presence in the conversation - as you are the one who started it. In an attempt to get ideas flowing for this social dictionary, I have decided to use this blog to, from time to time, offer some of my ideas for questions and witticisms. The revolution begins today.

Koskov-Boyd's Stimulating Question #1:

"Is it a custom in Japan for a man, a professional man, to buy another man orchids? Like a doctor, a dentist or an actupuncturist?"

Why would this question work?
This question is offbeat enough to make it obvious from the start that this is not throwaway smalltalk and that you actually want to discuss this. When people feel like their input is valued - their interaction goes up a notch. Also, the question is interesting enough that, even if someone does answer it in one hit, it will still spawn further conversation.
As there is a good chance that nobody will have an actual straight-up answer to the question, you would need a story attached to it. You will need to comfortable with lying in order to successfully see the conversation through, of course. I actually took the story from an episode of Curb Your Enthusiasm - so I would merely copy Larry David's predicament from that episode if I started this conversation - that being that his acupuncturist sent him orchids and he is unsure whether it is a normal Japanese custom or whether it's some wierd gay thing.
I believe this question would work because, regardless of the response, there should be interest generated. The only risk is that there is next to no response at all - which I think would be an unlikely event.

Try this shit out and tell me how it goes. More social help soon...

Catching up with Myself

[ paraphrased for brevity ]

Interviewer: Hello.

Yuri: Hello, Yuri.

Interviewer: Tell us what you've been up to for the last few months or so?

Yuri: Ah, well you know me...

[audience laughter]

Interviewer: I sure do!

[hysterical audience laughter]

Interviewer: [laughing] Well, perhaps my question was too challenging - what have you done so far today, then?

Yuri: Oh, jesus; let me think... [grimaces]

[audience chuckling]

Yuri: I seem to remember going to IGA this morning.

Interviewer: Oh yes, and how did that go for you?

Yuri: Pretty good. I engaged in chit-chat with one of the girls at the counter, actually. It was the most exciting thing that's happened to me in about 5 months.

Interviewer: Was she attractive?

Yuri: No - but that's not really the point. It may as well have been a man, in fact. The point is that I successfully conversed with a complete stranger over a counter in a humourous fashion - I don't think i've ever done that before.

Interviewer: Shut the fuck up.

Yuri: You're a dick.

[station close]

My Proposed Change to the Constitution of Australia

To the Honorable John Howard - Prime Minister of Australia,

Some very disturbing behaviour amongst this country's young people has become apparent to me and I feel it is my duty as a citizen of your country to alert you to it.

About 4 years ago, I made the unfortunate error of tuning into a commercial television station during prime time. What I proceeded to set my eyes upon frightened and confused me like nothing I have ever experienced in my life: for an entire half hour I sat in disbelief as approximately 10 of the most boring, giggly, stupid young people I have ever set my eyes on wandered around a house. I couldn't believe it. I was sitting in a house, watching other people sitting around in a house. My intelligence felt insulted. I felt ashamed. And yes, Mr. Howard, I felt unAustralian.

I may have stood a chance of not letting this incident cause me to lose faith in all of humanity had I not discovered that the person in the house who the Australian public deems the most adept at walking around and giggling about sex recieves 1 million dollars.

1 million dollars. Stop and think about that.

But it gets worse, Mr. Howard. 4 years on from this terrible discovery I suddenly find that left, right and centre are people who are chomping at the bit to be a contestant on the next series of Big Brother. Many of these people I may have once been fooled into respecting, or even liking. It has reached the point where I can take it no longer - I believe that the consequences of inaction in this matter are far greater than any damage we may do in attempting to remedy this problem.

I will be blunt: Anybody in this country who is so worthlessly unambitious that they think the best way for them to make something of their lives is to get filmed sitting in a house giggling about sex should be whipped and/or stoned into submission before their burden on this great country of ours becomes too great. And to further prevent potential damage to our social fabric, anybody who is caught, even briefly, pondering the idea of auditioning for Big Brother should be issued an official warning by the government (which will come in the form of a lobotomy).

My ways are tough but fair, Mr. Howard. I hope you come to appreciate the seriousness of this situation before it gets out of hand.

Yours sincerely

Yuri Koskov-Koskov

p.s. Question Time is awesome. I never miss it.

How to be Rich, Popular and Drunk Without Lifting a Finger

Normally before I offer a solution to an everyday problem in one of these articles, I will spend at least 3 paragraphs explaining in irritating detail the neurosis which lead to me attempting to solve the problem in question. But today there is no problem to speak of. Not as such. Today I speak of dreams and a better future for all of us (and by all of us I mean the 3 people who read this blog). If there is a problem - then the problem is life itself...

Do you ever have days where you wish you could sit around, get drunk, eat sausages AND get paid for it? I feel that I have to do too much for my money nowadays. Why can't I be a lazy hedonist AND be successful and respected? Why!?

Well perhaps I can... follow these steps with me...

1. Buy a barbecue
2. Find a night club in your city which will allow free use of a private room for large groups of people who are guaranteed to buy lots of drinks.
   
3. Single out one social strand in your life (e.g. work or high school) and invite everyone you know around from that strand for a barbecue/party. Tell them to bring their own meat and a bottle of wine. Give them some good incentive to go, aside from the fact that it's a party - e.g. tell them that an old friend/love interest is expected to turn up. Also, explain to them that you have gone to all the trouble of organising an excellent private room at a prestigious night club but require a bit of money to help out with the cover charge.
4. On the day of the party, ask the first few people who arrive to help set up the barbecue. Just as you are about to begin setting it up, prank call your land line from your mobile phone. The guests will set up the barbecue without your assistance and you get to have some fun by having an amusing one-sided phone call.
5. When people start turning up with meat, single out a few of the meat-bringers and say to them in a humorous and affable manner 'Hey! Everyone's been telling me what a great cook you are - I was happy to do the cooking myself but everyone here seems to want you...' With a bit of luck, a couple of them will be so flattered/pressured that they will offer to operate the barbecue themselves.
6. During the gathering, get plates of food from the barbecue and say that you're bringing someone their food. Bring the plates into the house and put them in your fridge.
   
7. Before leaving for the night club, start running around looking busy (don't actually do anything, though) and mumbling about how hard it will be to clean up all the rubbish. Eventually someone will offer to help out and the snowballing guilt effect (I coined that term just now - it's awful, I know) will cause others to help as well. Act very thankful and apologetic and make sure to offer to do it all yourself at least once during the process. Use sleight of hand and the necessity to answer people's questions (i.e. 'where does this go?') to ensure that at no stage do you actually assist in the cleaning up process.
8. Ensure that everybody has given you their money for the night club cover charge and enjoy the night.
9. Congratulations - you have just acquired a weeks worth of rent money and a week's worth of food. You are also staggeringly popular. And to top it off, you haven't even done anything. You can now quit your job and live a hedonistic lifestyle.
   
10. Repeat steps 4-9 only with a different social strand this time. Of course, eventually you will run out of social strands - but if you hold one of these parties a week you should be able to get by by running these things in cycles and having a party for each social strand once every two months, let's say. And also, with all the new friends you'll be making you're pool of social strands is going to grow and grow...

I love every single one of you. Good luck.

A Message to People in Relationships: You Don't Deserve to be Happy

Why do people view it as such a positive thing when two people get in a close, loving relationship? I can't work it out.

Society would have me believe that when someone spends hideous amounts of time away from their friends and general obligations so that they can lie on a bed and exchange their disgusting bodily fluids with some overrated whore/dick, i'm supposed to jump around, applaud and repeat the phrase 'i'm so happy for you' over and over whilst running amongst flowers and swimming in rivers of chocolate.

I've got news for everyone in a relationship: you don't deserve to be happy. You're all selfish, vain and nobody respects you. I deserve to be happy. Not you. Me.

While you're fornicating and doing whatever 'being happy' entails - people are dying in Africa. There's washing up to be done. I want a cup of tea. Some lady across the street has just fallen over and broken her neck and can't make it to a telephone and her only chance of being attended to is if you can hear her cries and help her out. But NO - you can't hear her over the sound of your own superfluous lust. That poor lady is going to die in horrible pain because you're too busy fulfilling your own primal, yet ultimately pointless desires (and sex is pointless if you use contraception). Worst of all, deep down you probably think it's totally worth it.

You're all disgusting and I hope you burn like the witches that you are.