How to be Rich, Popular and Drunk Without Lifting a Finger

Normally before I offer a solution to an everyday problem in one of these articles, I will spend at least 3 paragraphs explaining in irritating detail the neurosis which lead to me attempting to solve the problem in question. But today there is no problem to speak of. Not as such. Today I speak of dreams and a better future for all of us (and by all of us I mean the 3 people who read this blog). If there is a problem - then the problem is life itself...

Do you ever have days where you wish you could sit around, get drunk, eat sausages AND get paid for it? I feel that I have to do too much for my money nowadays. Why can't I be a lazy hedonist AND be successful and respected? Why!?

Well perhaps I can... follow these steps with me...

1. Buy a barbecue
2. Find a night club in your city which will allow free use of a private room for large groups of people who are guaranteed to buy lots of drinks.
   
3. Single out one social strand in your life (e.g. work or high school) and invite everyone you know around from that strand for a barbecue/party. Tell them to bring their own meat and a bottle of wine. Give them some good incentive to go, aside from the fact that it's a party - e.g. tell them that an old friend/love interest is expected to turn up. Also, explain to them that you have gone to all the trouble of organising an excellent private room at a prestigious night club but require a bit of money to help out with the cover charge.
4. On the day of the party, ask the first few people who arrive to help set up the barbecue. Just as you are about to begin setting it up, prank call your land line from your mobile phone. The guests will set up the barbecue without your assistance and you get to have some fun by having an amusing one-sided phone call.
5. When people start turning up with meat, single out a few of the meat-bringers and say to them in a humorous and affable manner 'Hey! Everyone's been telling me what a great cook you are - I was happy to do the cooking myself but everyone here seems to want you...' With a bit of luck, a couple of them will be so flattered/pressured that they will offer to operate the barbecue themselves.
6. During the gathering, get plates of food from the barbecue and say that you're bringing someone their food. Bring the plates into the house and put them in your fridge.
   
7. Before leaving for the night club, start running around looking busy (don't actually do anything, though) and mumbling about how hard it will be to clean up all the rubbish. Eventually someone will offer to help out and the snowballing guilt effect (I coined that term just now - it's awful, I know) will cause others to help as well. Act very thankful and apologetic and make sure to offer to do it all yourself at least once during the process. Use sleight of hand and the necessity to answer people's questions (i.e. 'where does this go?') to ensure that at no stage do you actually assist in the cleaning up process.
8. Ensure that everybody has given you their money for the night club cover charge and enjoy the night.
9. Congratulations - you have just acquired a weeks worth of rent money and a week's worth of food. You are also staggeringly popular. And to top it off, you haven't even done anything. You can now quit your job and live a hedonistic lifestyle.
   
10. Repeat steps 4-9 only with a different social strand this time. Of course, eventually you will run out of social strands - but if you hold one of these parties a week you should be able to get by by running these things in cycles and having a party for each social strand once every two months, let's say. And also, with all the new friends you'll be making you're pool of social strands is going to grow and grow...

I love every single one of you. Good luck.