10 Ways to Build Character

Nobody likes you. Why? Because your obese? Yes; but that's only a small part of it. The main reason people quietly deride you everywhere you go is because you have no character. You're the social equivalent of a can of moulding pig's vomit in a fridge full of saffron and caviar. Here's 10 things you can do to get the situation moving in the right direction...

1. If you're an attorney, replace the term 'objection' with 'Balderdash!' during court proceedings.
2. Ride on school buses in business apparel and try to convince children to join Amway.
3. Use truffles as paperweights.
4. Hunt down and purchase the most expensive sausage you can find (if this proves difficult, just pay for an ordinary sausage with a $50 note and tell the butcher to keep the change). Host a heavily-advertised party event at your house which is completely centred around your impeding consumption of the sausage.
   
5. Build a time machine so that you can go back in time and convince your prior self to eat an entire hot chilli. Eating chilli is an essential part of any child's character development.
   
6. If you're in a band and you get a gig at a Zen Zen Zo fundraiser; say 'I'd like to thank the organisers for inviting us to play at their soft porn festival' in your opening address to the audience.
7. Heckle attractive women in the street with 'show us your cunt!'
8. Attend an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting and start by telling a heart-wrenching story about how you're unemployed, your wife left you, took full custody of your kids and your life is a wreck with seemingly no way out. Finish your speech by saying 'the only thing that inspires me enough to get out of bed in the morning is my hatred of immigrants'
9. Giggle hysterically while masturbating
10. Stay up till 1:30 am in the morning writing a blog article which nobody will comment on due to some petty boycott.

goodnight children...