How to Build Your Very Own Fascist Dictatorship

Obtaining power for the purposes of taking your own bigoted visions of the world and turning them into reality can be such a complicated, depressing bore these days. By the time you've personally ordered the flaying and disposal of half of your yacht club and spent hours on end thinking up lies and half-truths to tell the UN, running a fascist dictatorship suddenly doesn't feel like half as much fun as it should be. Fortunately, it doesn't have to be this way: a team of anonymous informants and researchers, not to mention yours truly, have devised a step-by-step, layman friendly and FUN guide to creating your own evil empire.

What You'll Need

• A 1 litre container of milk (or other cardboard container of similar dimensions and texture)
• Scissors
  
• 2 sticks of blue-tac
• 1 brown texta
• 1 unvarnished door (friction is the key)
• Basic folding skills (experience in origami is a plus but not compulsory)

Instructions

1. Purchase your milk. Preferably obtain it from a store very close to your home. This will minimise the likelihood of the milk thickening due to warming up, which can effect the texture of the cardboard container
2. Empty the container. This can be done by: (a) drinking the milk OR (b) emptying it into the sink. Both of these methods have disadvantages. Drinking the milk will bloat your stomach which could lead to temporary illness and effect your ability for critical thought. And we don't want to make any wayward decisions during the creation phase of a fascist dictatorship, do we? The sink method, on the other hand, could result in any passing-by hippies reminding you that children are dying in Africa.
3. Take your scissors and cut the milk carton so that it can be arranged in the flat formation depicted in Figure 2
4. Cut and fold along the lines depicted. A prism will form ala Figure 3. Apply a formidable but aesthetically pleasing dose of blu tac to the flat side of the prism.
5. Adhere the prism to the top right portion of your unvarnished door. For best results place it 254mm from the right edge of the door and 380mm from the top edge (if you want these measurements using the imperial system, look elsewhere before emailing me).
6. CONGRATULATIONS! Your very first home-made fascist dictatorship has been completed! For superior results, you can use your brown texta to print the word 'DON'T' on the front of your prism. Alternatively, you can place it in a preheated conventional oven on 180 degrees for 40-45 minutes (25-30 minutes for a fan forced oven).

Remember; power is not a toy but that doesn't mean you can't have fun with it. However, don't ignore your obligations; The fruits of your labour may give you brief delusions of invincibility but that doesn't mean that you can throw away the necessity to politely bullshit Kofi Annan and Hans Blix from time to time. Don't forget, you can't spell 'FUN' without 'U.N.'

(c) Yuri Koskov-Koskov 2005