10 Uses For An Old Box of Pencils

Although many of you may need your memory refreshed to realise it, everyone has a box of old, largely unused colour pencils sitting around from their childhood. Why? Simple: colouring things in with pencils was fun when you were 5 but isn't fun now. But you're not going to throw away a box of quality pencils, are you? No, no, no. So, why waste them? Here's 10 things you can do with a box of coloured pencils.

1. If your gilfriend is unusually on-edge but you don't want to risk making things worse by belting out 'are you having your period?' in the midst of heated discussion, simply use your pencils to draw a graphical representation of menstruation with a giant question mark next to it on a piece of paper. Place the drawing on your coffee table and leave the house. When you return, with some luck, your girlfriend would have filled in the answer to your question. NB. You will need to double check that you have a red pencil before attempting this.
2. If you're at a party and intend to achieve success with the opposite sex, carry around a violet pencil. Use 'do you think this pencil is purple or magenta?' as your opening line.
3. Place it in your mouth as if it's a cigarette and if someone says 'what are you doing?' say, 'goodness gracious me, I thought I was smoking a cigarette. But it's not, is it? It's a pencil.' Laughter will ensue.
4. If you're a male married with a child and the child is being naughty, use a black pencil to graffiti your child's door with 'I SHAGGED YOUR MOTHER.' It will be funny because it's true.
5. Host a pencil-themed party. Everyone must come dressed as their favourite pencil. Everyone must come as a different colour, or else they will be ejected. All sentences must start with the phrase 'my pencil' or else ejection occurs also. Ejection results in banishment to a dark room called the 'pencil case'. Promiscuous women can be referred to as 'pencil sharpeners'. Derogatory comments towards pencils will be met with violence.
6. When attending a restaurant, replace all your cutlery with pencils whilst staff is not looking. When the waiter next comes around, exclaim 'I asked for Light Blue, not Cyan!'
7. Bang two pencils together to the rhythm of the Astro Boy theme. WHAMMY!
8. Obtain a copy of the original film reels for the Empire Strikes Back. Use the pencils to draw on your own special effects frame by frame and release your own Special Edition.
9. Before going out, replace all your cigarettes in your cigarette packet with pencils. When people ask you for a cigarette, give them one of the pencils, light it up and then walk away.
10. Draw a pretty picture.

Vomit.

a Danielle Basso collaboration