Rubbish

It's all rubbish.

Everyone is wrong about everything. Yesterday I watched a documentary about music and how it affected and was affected by the Vietnam War and the state of the world at the time. During the show, they had an interview with some journalist who claims that Jimi Hendrix's manic interpretation of Star Spangled Banner at Woodstock '69 was Hendrix symobolically expressing the terrible state of the USA at the time by performing the anthem with screeching and wailing guitar noises. What a fucking pretentious dunce. How about this for an explanation for why Hendrix performed Star Spangled Banner at Woodstock: Hendrix wakes up at 5am, decides it's time to perform. He gets up, possibly stoned out of his head, performing to hundreds of thousands of drugged-out hippies. Half way through the set he decides to play a twisted version of Star Spangled Banner. Why? BECAUSE HE FELT LIKE IT. Does there need to be any other reason?

Why are people so pretentious and stupid? That git is earning probably a million dollars a year just because he conjures up out-there and completely wrong ideas about events in popular culture and I'm sitting here at midnight on a monday of a long holiday, having worked through the whole weekend, finishing off a tutorial submission worth 2% for a Power Systems subject. I've spend 15 hours on the tut and the answers are still wrong. After all that, I have to see my thesis supervisor tomorrow and I haven't made any progress this week. I'm so much better than my supervisor. I'm so much better than that journalist prick. That's not even a joke. I am SO MUCH better than him. He deserves to have human excrement placed in his mail box.

Cunt.

Minority Groups: Get Fucked

I hate minority groups. They all think they're better than me. And maybe they are, but I detest the fact that they're sure they are better than me and I'm indifferent on the issue.

Why is it considered socially OK to have a TV show where gay people tell straight men how to dress and act? If I started a TV show where I went around to gay people's houses telling them that they're lifestyle is disgusting and they should start living like me, you know what would happen? I'd get kicked into the street like a dog by every fascist, whiny minority group member in Australia. And the media and the law would support THEM. That's right, I'd be a villian just for sticking up for my own lifestyle choices and beliefs - which is what minority group's entire fight for equality is based on.

Feminists should stop being idiots too. They aren't even a minority group, anyway. In fact there are more women in the world than men. Why did they ever even bother fighting for equality? Half the human race are women - it's not like they're lacking in numbers. If you're not equal, it's your fault. That didn't even make any sense. I have no penis.

Everybody in the world is in some sort of minority group of some kind. You should all be fucking ashamed of yourselves.

4 Minor Celebrities Who You Should Learn to Love

1. Jaimie Leonarder



Jaimie Leonarder is one of the members of SBS' new generation Movie Show film reviewing team. Despite spending a majority of the first season being snubbed by Megan Spencer, not to mention having to contend with Fenella Kernebone's lack of chemistry with anyone, Jaimie's wit and freakish ability to come up with tabloid-standard puns on the fly has made him an outstanding figure in my TV room and my dreams.

Quote:

When reviewing The Pacifier: "It sucks. This film is for dummies."

2. Ken Rosenberg

Ken Rosenburg is Brisbane street press giant Rave's resident CD singles reviewer. Some people may say i'm getting ahead of myself here, but I am confidently predicting that Rosenberg is on the verge of pioneering what will be the most significant revolution in journalism since Hunter S. Thompson's Gonzo revolution. Where Thompson injected himself and much subjectivity into the events he was supposed to be covering, Rosenberg has taken this a large step further. Shying away from any objectivity or even any dedication to the task at hand, Rosenberg frequently writes entire reviews which fail to mention the CD being reviewed or anything at all to do with it. Can you even call that journalism? Journalism, Shmournalism.

Quote:
From his review of Evermore's 'Dreams': "If Larry Emdur asked me what I thought Evermore was worth, I would say 'sweet fuck all'. I wish that had actually happened so that at least then I could tell people about it at parties - if I ever went to any."

3. Fenella Kernebone



Every woman should be like Fenella Kernebone. She's pleasant, dignified, respects everyone's opinion and she hangs out with Jaimie Leonarder. Women are too shit these days. They're all out of control. All they want to do is dance and have anal sex in toilets. Today's women need a role model - and I think Fenella should be it. Having said that, Fenella might not be as cool as I've assumed her to be. I don't really know her that well. Nevertheless, I love her and I intend to marry her.

Quote:
"What did you think of the film, Jaimie?"

4. Graham Linehan



Why Graham Linehan isn't widely acknowledged alongside Larry David as the most unique and downright halarious comedy writer alive is completely beyond me. Though best known for his work on Father Ted, his output since then (particular once he took up directing his own writing) has been some of the most fresh, inspired comedy that I've ever bare witness to. The inaugural seasons of Black Books and Big Train (both of which he directed and co-wrote) are quite simply the two funniest things to come out of Britain since Blackadder. If there's any sense left in the entertainment world, his distinctive comic idea of taking a surreal and ridiculous situation and playing it out with the straightness and subtlety of a film drama will start a revolution in comedy. Why isn't this man revered as a god? What the fuck is wrong with everyone?

Quote:

"Apparently Porsus from the Wong-Gong Galaxy was reaching up for some sparkling water last week and did his back in." - Rolex in Big Train

p.s. my apologies to Megan Spencer for putting every member of the Movie Show crew in this list bar her. I hope she doesn't get too offended because I think she's grouse.

Gum

I'm not a gum guy. I'd like to be able to say at this point 'and I've never been a gum guy', but that's not true. I went through a frantic and, in retrospect, quite beautiful Hubba Bubba phase which intensified in 1995 when they released their 'Raspberry Swirl' flavour. It only cost 50 cents and I used to go to the Cosy Corner on West St to buy it along with a packet of Beef Jerky. Then I would bring it home and show it to my friends. So, I hear you all saying at this point, 'how does Raspberry Swirl Hubba Bubba become a conversation piece?' Simple. It's got a swirl in the middle. You take it out of the wrapper, point at the swirl, say 'hey, look, it's got a swirl in it!' and WULLAH, you have a conversation piece sure to stimulate even the most closed of 9 year old minds.

The Hubba Bubba phase continued, to some extent, throughout my high school years when I would occasionally purchase their new Strawberry flavour which was the closest thing they had to Raspberry Swirl when the Hubba Bubba company decided to stop making Raspberry Swirl. Despite having a not completely dissimilar taste, the Strawberry Hubba Bubba and the Raspberry Swirl Hubba Bubba differed in two significant ways:

a) A Strawberry and a Raspberry are two completely different fruits
b) The Strawberry Hubba Bubba didn't have a swirl in it.

My Hubba Bubba phase slowly died away in my mid-high school years but despite my lukewarm attitude to gum during this period, it did produce what was my only notable act of thievery. The story behind this thievery is as follows:

I stole a packet of Hubba Bubba.

Hubba Bubba is disgusting and ruins your teeth. That may be why I stopped buying it. Another theory, which is actually probably true, states that I stopped buying it because I had mysteriously lost the ability to chew it. Every time I stuck it in my mouth I couldn't resist the temptation to eat it like a piece of candy (americanism). This was not a problem because it tasted bad or damaged my health. It was a problem because I would finish the entire packet of Hubba Bubba in the space of about 2 minutes. At this point in time the price of Hubba Bubba had skyrocketed to about a dollar. This was not acceptable.

That's why I'm not a gum guy.

Temporarily Out of Material

Hello everyone,

Twice this week I have attempted to sit down and write a blog article and failed to even put finger to keyboard (N.B. that was an amusing play on the phrase 'to put pen to paper' - I'm so clever! Hahahaha!).

I came up with an idea for another person who could be considered one of the Worst People in the World - but alas I have forgotten who it was. I briefly considered putting Emma Tom in that category only to realise that aside from briefly mentioning my burning desire to feed her to piranhas and the fact that she's now a frequent (and even more frequently annoying) guest on channel 7's Sunrise show, I don't actually have all that much to say on the issue.

Perhaps I should talk about something current and topical. The pope died. There - it's topical, current and amusing. Doo di doo.

Here is a list of 5 things to think about when you're bored or suffering a bout of insomnia.

1. How much you hate Emma Tom
2. How much you hate the fact that Emma Tom is successful and works in cushy media jobs and you're not
3. How fun it would be to lock Ben Lee and Emma Tom in an inescapable room for an indefinite amount of time without food or water. See how long it takes before one of them gets hungry and tries to eat the other one and then sit back and enjoy the fruits of your sadism.
4. Masturbating. Don't do it. Just think about it.
5. Golf.