Rob Me and Put My Money in A Sewer With My Worthless Old Soul - A Haiku

rob me and put my
money in a sewer with
my worthless old soul

DOGS!

more dogs soon...

Signals and Systems - Episode MMCI

Dr. Watson's reanimated corpse drifted through Kurtzel's gamma ray identification system. The computer bleeped as his identity was finally confirmed to Kurtzel. A wry smile became apparent beneath his obstructive wrinkles. Kurtzel loved Dr. Watson. He had read all of his biographies and even tracked down a copy of his unfinished autobiography through some very cunning intellectual property theft software which his mentor, Pal Meteorite, coded during the magenta age; so it was indeed a pleasure for Kurtzel to not only acquire Dr. Watson's corpse but to also use experimental technologies to reanimate him and perhaps make him talk. "Oooh, yes..." Kurtzel muttered excitedly as he remembered that he had a copy of Meteorite's beta software for the reinamation of speech. He scrounged around for the CD, popped it in and ate meringue as it installed. 'Do you want to create a desktop icon?', the installation software prompted. 'No' responded Kurtzel. He opened the program and watched on in awe and astonishment as Dr. Watson's stiff mouth acquired agility and warmth. Kurtzel knew that Watson was about to speak for the first time in 315 years.

"I like myself! I'm a really nice guy!" Watson belted out.

Signals and Systems - Episode II

Geoff loosened his grip on the tusks as apathy calmly approached his prior state of fearlessness and said 'time's up, buddy'. His thoughts then unexpectedly harkened back to his early childhood. Geoff recalled himself laying in a meadow with his brother discussing the finer details of how to go about digging a really deep hole. It was almost dinner time but the siblings did not want to go inside because their mother was watching Calamity Jane. They hated that film. It wasn't that all the singing and dancing struck the pubescent boys as fruity, although that didn't help, it was Howard Keel's disturbing resemblance to their estranged father. The brothers never verbalised this affliction towards the film at this point in their lives, but the truth would often surface during future drunken family christmas humdingers.

While Geoff was in a state of detached bewilderment from the situation facing them, Janet was starting to get visibly upset over the ascendency the hog had gained in this situation. Questions began circling in her brain like a giant, shiny green octopus. Why did Geoff insist on staking out Dr. Watson's house from the one area in the perimeter's forest where a wild hog resided? If Geoff felt it was so crucial to remove the hog of it's ascendency by starving it - why go near it in the first place? Janet had watched Oliver Stone's JFK just that week and was keen to bust a conspiracy. Yeah, baby.

Jurisprudence - An Acrostic Poem

Justness and
Undeniably fair execution of
Rational punishments and
Incarcerations of people who fail to
Serve the moral
Prerequisites of our humble society which prospers when
Rascals and cunts who break the law succumb to the
Undertaking that is putting them in the
Den that we call 'Gaol' and American cultural imperialism would
Eschew the
Notion that 'Gaol' is spelt the way that I
Chose to spell it because that's the
English way and that's the way we should all conform to because England is cool.

Signals and Systems - Episode IV

Geoff sucked on a toothpick. It dawned on him that it was somewhat ironic that when you suck on a toothpick, it gets wetter whereas if you suck on liquid (i.e. beer) it is drained of moisture and is thus drier. Geoff trembled.
"What is it?" Janet said.
"I think it's happening."
"Oh, dear God..." Janet mumbled as she began trembling in phase with Geoff. This was not a cold night. This was the kind of trembling which only a genuine presence of terror can provoke. Dr. Watson had arrived.

In a black trenchcoat and sporting a moustache not completely unlike that of Lee Van Cleef in For A Few Dollars More, Dr. Watson emerged from his Jeep clutching an unusually large piece of straw and a 6 pack of crumpets. The hog's stomach grumbled audibly as the smell of the crumpets wafted in the direction of Janet and Geoff. The duo became paralysed with fear as they noticed Watson's keen eyes turning in their direction. The hog was in control.

Koskov-Koskov's Great Celebrity Encounters - Episode 3

Celebrity: 'Gentle' Ben Corbett

Date of Encounter: August 18th, 2005

I was at Fat Boy's in the Valley acquiring a late $4 Breakfast and a 'Juice of Orange' (aka 'Orange Juice') after work. I entered the counter-area of Fat Boys and no other than 'Gentle' Ben Corbett, the legendary crooner from seminal Brisbane rock act Gentle Ben and his Sensitive Side, was taking orders and making coffees. I giggled like a nervy schoolgirl as I watched him make Mochas and discuss prices with the other patrons. After containing my excitement whilst 2 groups of people requested coffees and food, finally my time had come. I approached the bench and said 'Can I just have this (points to 'Juice of Orange') and the 4 dollar breakfast thanks.'

Ben then said 'would you like tomato sauce with your breakfast?' and I said 'no, thanks'.

'That comes to $7" came Ben's next utterment.

I handed him the money and Corbett kneeled down to get me a table number. The first one he grabbed didnt have a number on it so he had to get another one. He then placed it on the table. It was the number '10'. I said 'thanks' and went to my table.

Signals and Systems - Episode VIII

"Tell Robert that he is untalented swine!" came the muffled cry from the boot of the car. Dr. Watson put his pants back on and pressured his twisted ankle against a rock to see how much it hurt. It still hurt a bit.
"Alright, boys. Let's clean this mess up and head into town. I could use me a good beer and a nice slut!" Watson yelped defiantly as the car containing Felt disappeared into the dusk. Watson used his proverbial hand signal to motion his boys to the Jeep. They entered the Jeep and set forth to, you guessed it, the Brown Wood Hotel. "Nevermind the radio, Travis. There'll be plenty of raunchy wailing mummas at the Brown Wood. You don't need that new age R&B bullshit."

The Brown Wood Hotel loomed up ahead like a giant, trunk-coloured plank. Watson felt an erection looming as he half dozed off on the straight and narrow road approaching the venue. He batted his eyelids in order to make himself wake again and spent the next 30 seconds wondering if anybody in the car had noticed the erection. The car stopped. They were there. Watson's thoughts immediately turned from his erection to the impending night which promised so much. His thoughts had finally strayed from the hog and Janet. Sex and debauchery. Sex and debauchery.

Signals and Systems - A Short Story

"When is it happening?" whispered Janet as she rubbed her sore toe with lavender oil.
"The event in question occurs soon."
Janet gulped. "But 'soon' is so subjective, Geoff. If earth's impending destruction was due to occur in 6 months time and I asked you 'when is the world going to end?', you could easily describe it as 'soon'. Whereas if I asked you 'when are you going to pass me that bucket of hot popcorn?' and you had planned to wait 30 seconds before doing so, 'soon' would be an inadequate description of the amount of time which is about to elapse before handing it to me. Innit'?"
Geoff pondered this momentarily before gripping the tusks of the wild hog who was accompanying the duo. The tusks were firm. The tusks were warm. Geoff's eyes glinted with pleasure as he looked the hog in the eye. His teeth were clenched. Yeah, baby.
"This is fucking stupid, Geoffery. We've been stuck out in this dank poo-hole trying to stake out Dr. Watson's house every night for 5 months. I don't think the hog is helping, either. He hasn't eaten in days. He's sick."
"My darling - you know little. What better way to keep the hog from messing everything up than by starving him of energy. We have rendered the hog powerless. We are in control. Not the hog," Geoff muttered.
"The hog is in control..." the duo said simultaneously.

Precocious Drivel Cures Lovesickness - A Poem

The holy water seeps through,
the dimness of nighted white,
oh how I loved a little something,
something felt so right

You came to me in summer's eve,
in the morning of the sun
and I drank the sweet, sweet wine
and gargled the sweet, sweet rum

Oh I loved you, yes I did
your supple skin I would not want to rid
the world of
and now you're not here with me
and I am upset and not free

Holy water, cure me god
I was agnostic yesterday but now I'm thinking twice
I am a restless soul who wants to be free
the chickens make noises because they don't like me
I like you god, do you like me?
Oh dear, I am so upset and shit.

(c) Yuri Koskov-Koskov

When Red Angels Go Sour and Turn to God - A Poem

I like it when she rang my bell,
the shepherd's week,
oh he would tell,
stories to thee,
about love and dungeons,
I wish I could die,
not him but I.

Sometimes he'd sit,
standing is good,
or run through the forest,
with blunt tool for stool,
which way, he asked?
the rabbit did cry
and my feet rubbed the sexual
as I toiled by.

Oh why am I lonely?
Lamentable plight
the ghosts they doth plummet
through sickening sight
my dear second cousin
you fail me twice
you fail me once
you fail me thrice

Come hither, young girl
I'll show you my love
I'll show you my skills
my sedative pills
we'll dance through the night
lamentable plight
with scissors and tape
I like a good felony.

Puppies!

If you're like me, and (if you're like me) you're probably not, I'd be very tempted to point the finger at the people standing in the corner looking sneakily in each others jacket pockets for the things they hold dear. Am I talking about drugs? Maybe. Blogging is like music; open to interpretation, I think if Paul Dempsey read my blog (and god knows, perhaps he does) he would agree that a little ambiguity never goes astray in art. Art. Yes, this is art. Art is NOW. That's right, YOU are currently experiencing art. How does that feel? Let me know.

Clapping is a good antidote to the mundanity of life and I think I can prove it. If you've ever studied signals and systems theory (at university or by your own initiative) you'd know that the characteristics of any system can be described by its 'Impulse Response'. What we've learnt here is that things need responses. You need to make things to respond to. So who is going to make these things? That's right; the impulses. Anybody who has attempted to obtain the impulse response of a system physically will know that the closest sound you can make with your body to an impulse is clapping. Clapping is a thing. Things create responses. The cycle repeats itself and life continues.