Where are all the ugly people?

I was wandering around university the other day when I realised that everyone I passed by, the women in particular, was extremely attractive. I was confused. What did this mean? Does this mean that because clearly everyone on the university grounds is attractive and I am on the university grounds that I am, by basic deduction, attractive? Or does it mean that I am some kind of anomaly, i.e. the most unattractive person at UQ?

Of course, neither of these are correct. I am not attractive, nor am I an anomaly. In fact, inconspicuous probably describes me best. I have been objectively rated as a 5 on a GPA scale of attractiveness and thus, just like my university results themselves, I am not good enough to warrant praise nor am I bad enough to incite fits of vomiting and loathing.

This incident does, however, beg the question: where are all the unattractive women? They must be somewhere. They're certainly not doing Arts or Social Sciences as all the people in those faculties are well-groomed, well-dressed and well... attractive. They're certainly not doing Physiotherapy and just as certainly not doing Law. Many of you, I'm sure, are trying to stop me here to point out that they are probably all doing IT or Engineering. I will, however, rebut. Although it is most definitely true that the quality of women in the ITEE faculties is extremely poor, it is also true that the ratio of women to men is around 4:1, or worse. So, while the engineering world can account for some of the world's unattractive women - it certainly can't account for many.

Some may, at this point, point out that the only demographics i'm bothering to study are those of individual faculties in just one of the world's many universities. That's because I don't know anything about the world outside of university. And what the fuck are you going to do about it? Shut the hell up, you pedant.

I'd like to make this article a call to arms for all the ugly people of the world. Come out, wherever you are. I still respect all of you, even if nobody else does.

Amen.

A Sad Turn of Events for Daniel O'connor

After all that hoo-ha, it turns out that ABC sound recordist, Daniel O'Connor, isn't Tony Abbot's son after all.

Though amusing, you've got to feel for the guy a little. A few weeks ago, Daniel was living up the prospect of having a powerful and charismatic politician as a father - now he's trying his best to deal with the sad fact that his mother is an embarrassing and promiscuous whore.

'Glad' - What a Stupid Word

I uttered the phrase 'glad I could help out' today in some awkward banter with some fellow students who barely qualify as acquaintances, when I realised what an awful word 'glad' is. Seriously, just spend a few moments focusing on the word and saying it to yourself either in your head or out aloud...

See? It's atrocious. Unfortunately, usage of the word is second nature for me so I am eternally using it in conversation and berating myself afterwards for having used it. It's an appalling situation to be in - which is why I'm writing about it in this blog. Who else am I going to tell about this situation? I can't tell my parents because they'd think i'm mad and cut me out of the will. I can't tell my friends because they'd think i'm mad and cut me out of the loop. I can't tell anyone in my courses at uni because I don't know anybody at uni. I can't tell my dog because I don't have a dog. God that was a lame joke...

You should all feel ashamed of yourselves for having read this drivel.

Running into Myself In The Street

Yuri: Hey, Yuri - what you been up to?

Koskov-Koskov: Not much. And you?

Yuri: Not much.

Koskov-Koskov: Well, there you go.

Yuri: Ya - there you go.

Koskov-Koskov: So I hear you got a haircut yesterday?

Yuri: Yep.

Koskov-Koskov: And how did it go?

Yuri: Well, I payed over twice as much as I was under the impression I was to be paying and the girl who did my hair didn't do anything remotely like what I asked her to. But you know, I can't complain.

Koskov-Koskov: Well, you can complain.

Yuri: Well, yeah I guess I can.

Koskov-Koskov: But you're a fucking pussy.

Yuri: I have difficulty conversing with strangers in an honest and direct fashion...

Koskov-Koskov: That's because you're a fucking pussy.

Yuri: Yeah, I guess so....

Koskov-Koskov: Piss off, you loser.

Yuri: Ah, fuck ya.

The Official List of the Worst People in the World - Part 1

Peter Helliar



Peter Helliar epitomises everything that's wrong with the world today. What kind of a world do we live in where the only criteria someone needs to meet in order to become a successful comedian is that you're a smug moron? Seriously, watch anything that Helliar does. He's never said anything remotely funny in his entire life but you put him on Rove Live with his smug fat face and people assume just because he's affable and smiles a lot that he's a funny guy. Why are people so fucking stupid? I'm serious - there is NOTHING funny about Peter Helliar or Rove Live. It's not even a question of taste in comedy or anything - it's a scientific fact that Peter Helliar is NOT FUNNY. The only way anybody could find him funny is if they've literally been oblivious to any other comedy in their entire lives. And what about Tom Gleeson? I can't even bring myself to write a paragraph about Gleeson because I just get frozen with rage thinking about his face. I hate him so much. And Helliar. I hate them both so fucking much. I fucking HATE them.

Ben Lee

For those of you have have clearly led a more fortunate life than me thus far, Ben Lee is the pretentious git who can be heard far too often on Triple J being pretentious and singing about how interesting he thinks he is. I hate him so much. Every time one of his songs comes on the radio, he sucks away 4 valuable minutes of my life. In fact make that 9 minutes because I have to spend 5 minutes reassuring myself that there are still some worthwhile people in the world. Seriously, if I wanted to sit around and listen to self-absorbed drivel then i'd write down all my insecurities on a piece of paper and record myself dictating them. Then i'd save it as an mp3 and put it as the sole track on my Winamp player and set it to 'repeat'. In fact that would be significantly more entertaining than listening to a Ben Lee record.

If Ben Lee wants to mope around in a recording studio, write conceited songs and talk to journalists about himself and little details of his life - then that's fine with me. But what I really hate is that by being an overrated dickhead who stupid people assume is intelligent and interesting just because he's got a quirky face and strikes ornate poses for the camera in his videoclips - he is making a good living, is probably successful with women and worst, of all, probably feels like his success justifies his personality. And not only does Ben Lee think that his success justifies being self-obsessed and acting like people actually care about what he thinks - all the people who like and respect him believe the same thing. Thanks to Ben Lee, we're one step closer to completely fucking up the planet. I hate him so fucking much. I hate him, I hate him, I hate him, I hate him. I fucking HATE him.

more shockers to come...

You're Going to Become More Interesting Yet

Koskov-Boyd's Amusing Remark #1 (plus follow-up remark):

"Popcorn must have the biggest profit margin of any product of any description, don't you think? I mean, you pay 5 dollars for a little bucket of the stuff - but what are the raw ingredients? Corn and heat? I think a majority of the production costs probably go into paying those labourers to pick out those corn kernels one by one. That must be a fun job."

"Tell me if i'm wrong, but popcorn must surely be the only confectionary item which can be successfully and easily made on a subsistence farm. Providing you don't want salt on it of course- although you could have it buttered if you had a cow. Where does salt come from anyway? What an odd substance."

Why and where would this remark work?
I'll start of with the where question. I initally devised this as material to use when going to the movies with someone. However, now that I think about it, it could be equally amusing out of context (if not more so). Providing your delivery is good, this material is basically guaranteed to work and may even incite further conversation on the subject.
If the person(s) you are with find subsistence farming homour as amusing as I do, then the second comment is sure to be met with a huge abundance of hysterical laughter. Unfortunately, I don't believe the subsistence-farming-humour-loving demographic is that vast at the moment (though I intend to rectify the situation).

Morrissey Owns You

I love Morrissey. What sane human being wouldn't? After all, haven't all of you, at some point in your petty lives, gone to a club with the intention of meeting someone who really loves you only to spend the whole night standing on your own then leaving on your own, going home, crying and wanting to die?

For the unitiated, Morrissey was the frontman for seminal 80's British pop outfit, The Smiths. His plethoric cynicism and lyrics which conveyed a seemingly perpetual hopelessness struck a chord with the disaffected youth of the time and continue to be relevant today. Morrissey possessed, and still possesses, a disturbing ability to pry into the most depraved and pessimistic areas of the human mind - places which people, beyond fearing to tread, would like to believe would not even exist. Look at this snippet from the Smith's beautifully titled Heaven Knows I'm Miserable Now:

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I was happy in the haze of a drunken hour
But heaven knows I'm miserable now

I was looking for a job, and then I found a job
And heaven knows I'm miserable now

In my life
Why do I give valuable time
To people who don't care if I live or die ?

Two lovers entwined pass me by
And heaven knows I'm miserable now

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The message of these lyrics is quite simple, and a poignant one: No matter what you do with your life you are going to be miserable. If you spend months searching for a job so that you can do something with your life, you will still be miserable. Your employers and workmakes just treats you like a binary digit - they wouldn't give a fuck if you died. Whenever you walk down the street, you will pass two lovers who are both much happier than you - and that will make you even more miserable. I'm going to sing this song to my children in the future - just to make sure that they don't grow up with any ambition or high expectations of the outside world.

You would think that age would mellow out this wonderfully insane and bitter man. Not so. He continued to pump out the goods, going on to write songs such as Last Night I Dreamed that Somebody Loved Me, Unloveable, Please Please Please Let Me Get What I Want and I Have Forgiven Jesus. So how does a filthy rich, charming, handsome rock god manage to stay bitter and angry? Easy. He just deprives himself of any gratification from the opposite sex by remaining celibate throughout his 20's and 30's. That's right: Morrissey, a handsome rock god, remained a celibate vegetarian throughout his many years of fame. Some people think he's a narcissist who keeps 10 foot tall photographic portraits of himself in his house and is obsessed with his own image. At first I thought this is a bit wierd and sick - but it occurred to me that if I was Morrissey that I would be a narcissist as well. Makes sense to me.

I've just realised that this rant is getting a bit long, particularly for a topic that nobody is interested in except for me (and Morrissey himself - him being a narcissist and all), so I will just leave you all with some lyrics from his disgusting effort from last year's You Are the Quarry album, the blasphemous and crushingly depressing I Have Forgiven Jesus. Sleep well, children.

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I was a good kid, I wouldn't do you no harm.
I was a nice kid, with a nice paper round.
Forgive me any pain I may have brung to you
with God's help I know, I'll always be near to you

But Jesus hurt me when he deserted me
but I have forgiven you, Jesus
For all the desire you placed in me when there's nothing I can do with this desire.

I was a good kid through hail and snow
I'd go just to moon you and I carried my heart in my hand
Do you understand? Do you understand?

But Jesus hurt me when he deserted me
but I have forgiven you Jesus for all of the love you placed in me when there's no one I can turn to with this love

Monday - humiliation
Tuesday - suffocation
Wednesday - condescension
Thursday - is pathetic
By Friday life has killed me

Why did you give me so much desire when there is nowhere I can go to offload this desire?
And why did you give me so much love in a loveless world when there is no one I can turn to
To unlock all this love?
And why did you stick in self deprecating bones and skin?
Jesus do you hate me?
Why did you stick in self deprecating bones and skin?
Do you hate me?
Do you hate me?
Do you hate me?
Do you hate me?
Do you hate me?

----------------------------------------------------

Some people would say that Morrissey is a little out of his depth when he forgives Jesus, but what the fuck would they know..

Why are people so self-important?

Why are there so many self-important people in the world? I can't work it out.

Yesterday I was waiting in a quite long line at the university bakery and I almost had a seizure as the guy in front of me spent 5 minutes discussing with the girl at the counter what pie he should purchase. He was listing the pros and cons of each pie and asking about the ingredients of each pie and then listing the pros and cons of each ingredient. The girl at the counter didn't let on at any stage that she was enjoying assisting this piece of shit with his choice of pie and he would have had to of been the intellectual equivalent of a sandwich to not notice that there were 30 people standing behind him, sifting through their bags looking for a particularly sharp pencil to poke out his eyes with. Doesn't this guy realise that he's living in a society with other people? Nobody cares what fucking pie you buy. It doesn't matter.

Then I turned up to a lecture later in the day and I once again lost faith in all humanity when some guy approached the lecturer during a break, called the lecturer by his first name without first checking that this was fine by the lecturer himself, and proclaimed to the lecturer 'I like to think that i'm a pretty switched on guy. But i'm not following the material and I don't understand a lot of the words your using'. He said this just before mentioning that he's been out of uni for four years (god knows why - he probably discovered masturbating) and thus wouldn't have touched any of the prerequisite material in 5 years. Read a book, you cunt. If you're not following the basic introductory material in the first lecture of a course maybe you should stop to think for a second that it might be someone's fault other than the lecturer's.

Then when the lecturer asked the class whether they would like to go straight into the discussion period after watching a video he somehow managed to ignore the fact that the question was directed at 45 other people and proclaimed from the back of the room 'No, we should have a break. My attention can wander sometimes.' I don't even need to bother pointing out what's wrong with those events.

When are people going to realise that there's over six billion people in the world and nobody has time for listening and caring about everyone's opinions? Just buy a plain meat pie with sauce and sit in class without trying to get the course profile tailored to your needs as if you're the only one paying $640 for the course. The bottom line is, shut the hell up. You're nothing. All of you are nothing. Get fucked.