10 Ways to Build Character

Nobody likes you. Why? Because your obese? Yes; but that's only a small part of it. The main reason people quietly deride you everywhere you go is because you have no character. You're the social equivalent of a can of moulding pig's vomit in a fridge full of saffron and caviar. Here's 10 things you can do to get the situation moving in the right direction...

1. If you're an attorney, replace the term 'objection' with 'Balderdash!' during court proceedings.
2. Ride on school buses in business apparel and try to convince children to join Amway.
3. Use truffles as paperweights.
4. Hunt down and purchase the most expensive sausage you can find (if this proves difficult, just pay for an ordinary sausage with a $50 note and tell the butcher to keep the change). Host a heavily-advertised party event at your house which is completely centred around your impeding consumption of the sausage.
   
5. Build a time machine so that you can go back in time and convince your prior self to eat an entire hot chilli. Eating chilli is an essential part of any child's character development.
   
6. If you're in a band and you get a gig at a Zen Zen Zo fundraiser; say 'I'd like to thank the organisers for inviting us to play at their soft porn festival' in your opening address to the audience.
7. Heckle attractive women in the street with 'show us your cunt!'
8. Attend an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting and start by telling a heart-wrenching story about how you're unemployed, your wife left you, took full custody of your kids and your life is a wreck with seemingly no way out. Finish your speech by saying 'the only thing that inspires me enough to get out of bed in the morning is my hatred of immigrants'
9. Giggle hysterically while masturbating
10. Stay up till 1:30 am in the morning writing a blog article which nobody will comment on due to some petty boycott.

goodnight children...

My Interview with DJ Kreme

Hello everyone. I interviewed a DJ from Canada recently. I had to write a transcript for this one to assist me with the article writeup so I thought I'd put the transcript up here. Enjoy!

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Yuri: This is journalist Yuri Koskov-Koskov. Who am I speaking to?

Man: Ah, it's Robert here.

Yuri: Oh. Does DJ Kreme live there?

Man: I'm DJ Kreme.

[nervous laughter]

Yuri: So what are you doing?

DJ Kreme: Ah, just sitting around.

Yuri: OK. Ah, so... I like your CD.

DJ Kreme: Thanks.

Yuri: So tell me about the Canadian DJ scene.

DJ Kreme: Well clubs ring me up, I turn up with my decks and records and I play music for the patrons all night with a view to making them dance.

Yuri: Ah, that's interesting

DJ Kreme: Not really.

Yuri: Well, I guess it isn't.

DJ Kreme: Why not?

Yuri: Um... [nervousness] so, ah, what colour are your decks?

DJ Kreme: Grey.

Yuri: Oh, really?

DJ Kreme: Yep.

Yuri: Well, grey is a good colour isn't it? Because it's not too dark and it's not too bright. It's kind of nicely in between.

DJ Kreme: Well I just bought them because it's quality equipment.

Yuri: Of course.

[10 second silence]

Yuri: So, ah, do you like being a DJ?

DJ Kreme: Yeah

Yuri: Cool.

[15 second silence]

Yuri: Um... yeah. I guess that's it.

DJ Kreme: You're a fucking hack.

[end of call]

My First Interview For Young Scientist Magazine

Hey everyone - I got my second journo job working for Young Scientist mag (my job description is Brisbane 'correspondent'). I did my first interview with this really cool engineer who works in off-shore wind farms. Thought I'd post it here. Enjoy.

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Yuri: Today I have with me Dr. Marcus Lobo, who has been operating South East Queensland's most prosperous off-shore wind farm. How are you Dr. Lobo?

Dr. Lobo: I'm good thanks, but not as good as our off-shore wind farms! [laughter] And you?

Yuri: I'm feeling very well. Tell me about your qualifications and how you got into the industry?

Dr. Lobo: It all started during my TAFE days when I was sitting in my window-washing class just watching water drip down the windows and evaporate. It dawned on me that we may be in a water shortage, but we have an EXCESSIVE amount of wind! I put 2 and 2 together (2 and 2 being wind and my window washing qualifications) and I immediately moved into off-shore wind farming.

Yuri: How has the industry advanced in the last decade?

Dr. Lobo: Well, wind farming really is a rare breed of power generations these days, but the demand for designer wind has increased 10 fold since air was first discovered in the early eighties.

Yuri: Do you like wind?

Dr. Lobo: I LOVE wind. Thats why I farm it!

Yuri: Did you watch Neighbours last night?

Dr. Lobo: Yes! I actually payed for a bit of product placement in that CPR revival scene. It really helped the image of my product. The man that died, having drowned hours before, was magically revived using my wind! Now I'm getting emails from hospitals across the country, asking for the 7 secret spices of my wind.

Yuri: Do you like Harold? I like Harold. Do you like him?

Dr. Lobo: Harold is old school. He insists on using home brand wind. But little does he know that every time he dies and comes back to life (which is every season), it was all thanks to my off-shore wind farms.

Yuri: I think Joe is a very silly character. What do you think?

Dr. Lobo: Joe is very silly. The time he died in a car crash and came back to life the next week was amazing. I'm hoping to find out what happens next week when he dies in a fire.

Yuri: I think he will actually die this time.

Dr. Lobo: I think he will too! I hope he doesnt because he's a main character!

Yuri: Do you think that Skye is promiscuous?

Dr. Lobo: WINDEED, what a slut! [laughter]

Yuri: Well, I for one like wind. You farm wind. I like you. Thank you Dr. Lobo.

Dr. Lobo: Call me 'Marcus'

Yuri: Thank you Marcus.

Dr. Lobo: OK.

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Person of the Week - Mr. Jake Aldana

The photo above is the only known photo in the whole world of this mysterious 'Jake'. Exactly who was he? Did he ever do anything illegal or interesting? If not than why is he in the 'Person of the Week' section of this website? Time will tell....


Stay tuned for more people of the week...

Person of the Week - Mr. Graham Truffle

Graham Truffle is one of world's most notorious killers. He started work as a dentist in Kuala Lumpur and after 1 year in a personally run practice, he had his first run-in with the law. It was discovered by Police Superintendent Noisewater that he has been sedating patients, stealing healthy teeth and using them as fridge magnets. 2 years later, the police caught him with 7 dead bodies sitting in the back of his van on a supposed road trip, 'Weekend at Bernies' style. He bolted from the scene and has not been heard from since.

more 'People of the Week' soon...

Rating Animals Out of 7

Dog: The Review

Full marks for variety here - any species which can lay claim to the Pug Dog, Sausage Dog and Great Dane deserves a big pat on the back for sheer eclecticism. But is this a good thing? Whilst the creators of dog have successfully demonstrated to us their broad, sprawling design skills; their body of work also demonstrates a frustrating lack of focus. A Chiwawa and a Greyhound may amuse greatly on their own but, placed side by side in a larger context, fail to provoke any real synergy; which is really what you want from a species. The creators of dog would have done well to have a chat to the creators of giraffe before releasing their final product. Giraffes are consistent, placid and interesting - if only the same could be said for dog.

RATING: 2.8/7


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Birds: The Review

Whilst birds undoubtedly suffer from the same excessive eclecticism that dogs do (Chicken and Rainbow Lorikeet, anyone?), they come painstakingly close to overcoming this due to one nifty trait: they can fly. How awesome is that? Seriously, stop to think for a moment about how awesome that is. Humans spent millions of years working their way up from making spears out of rocks to where they are today where they can build vessels which can move through the air. Even with all this advance, you can still only stay up there for as long as your fuel will last, it's noisy, environmentally unfriendly and will often result in you spending 24 hours sitting next to a vomiting baby named 'Trevor'. Yet birds just get up and do it without trying. Flying is so basic and insignificant to birds that if you asked one 'so what does it feel like to fly?' it would have no idea what you were talking about (particularly if the bird only spoke Spanish).

RATING: 4.5/7


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A Morsel of Blue Putty: The Review

Easily domesticated and endearingly obedient, A Morsel of Blue Putty is one of the most efficient and focused releases of the animal kingdom. Unlike dog, where variety is shoved down your throat, putty comes in a small but appealing selection of breeds (green and blue are dominant in this area). It may not be able to fly but it sure as hell will stick to your roof. I'd like to see a bird who can do that! A model example for all aspiring contributors to the world of the animal...

RATING: 6.6/7

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more reviews soon....

Inaugural Person of the Week - Mr. Tony Freeman

Congratulations to Mr. Tony Freeman on being selected as Koskov-Koskov's inaugural 'Person of the Week'!

Winner of the 1999 I don't look like Mark Knopfler Prize, Tony's exploits in the hybrid popcorn industry have been equally impressive, arguably more so. Hailed as some kind of god at his company, Hell's Popcorn, Tony first realised that he didn't look at all like Mark Knopfler when he purchased Dire Strait's self-titled debut LP and perused the inner sleeve. His non-resemblence to the great man was so striking that he decided to create a career out of it, starting with a float at the local show which had 'Come see the man who doesn't look anything like Mark Knopfler' printed on it in Times New Roman. The rest is, as they say, history.

Stay tuned for more people of the week...

How to Build Your Very Own Fascist Dictatorship

Obtaining power for the purposes of taking your own bigoted visions of the world and turning them into reality can be such a complicated, depressing bore these days. By the time you've personally ordered the flaying and disposal of half of your yacht club and spent hours on end thinking up lies and half-truths to tell the UN, running a fascist dictatorship suddenly doesn't feel like half as much fun as it should be. Fortunately, it doesn't have to be this way: a team of anonymous informants and researchers, not to mention yours truly, have devised a step-by-step, layman friendly and FUN guide to creating your own evil empire.

What You'll Need

• A 1 litre container of milk (or other cardboard container of similar dimensions and texture)
• Scissors
  
• 2 sticks of blue-tac
• 1 brown texta
• 1 unvarnished door (friction is the key)
• Basic folding skills (experience in origami is a plus but not compulsory)

Instructions

1. Purchase your milk. Preferably obtain it from a store very close to your home. This will minimise the likelihood of the milk thickening due to warming up, which can effect the texture of the cardboard container
2. Empty the container. This can be done by: (a) drinking the milk OR (b) emptying it into the sink. Both of these methods have disadvantages. Drinking the milk will bloat your stomach which could lead to temporary illness and effect your ability for critical thought. And we don't want to make any wayward decisions during the creation phase of a fascist dictatorship, do we? The sink method, on the other hand, could result in any passing-by hippies reminding you that children are dying in Africa.
3. Take your scissors and cut the milk carton so that it can be arranged in the flat formation depicted in Figure 2
4. Cut and fold along the lines depicted. A prism will form ala Figure 3. Apply a formidable but aesthetically pleasing dose of blu tac to the flat side of the prism.
5. Adhere the prism to the top right portion of your unvarnished door. For best results place it 254mm from the right edge of the door and 380mm from the top edge (if you want these measurements using the imperial system, look elsewhere before emailing me).
6. CONGRATULATIONS! Your very first home-made fascist dictatorship has been completed! For superior results, you can use your brown texta to print the word 'DON'T' on the front of your prism. Alternatively, you can place it in a preheated conventional oven on 180 degrees for 40-45 minutes (25-30 minutes for a fan forced oven).

Remember; power is not a toy but that doesn't mean you can't have fun with it. However, don't ignore your obligations; The fruits of your labour may give you brief delusions of invincibility but that doesn't mean that you can throw away the necessity to politely bullshit Kofi Annan and Hans Blix from time to time. Don't forget, you can't spell 'FUN' without 'U.N.'

(c) Yuri Koskov-Koskov 2005

10 Uses For An Old Box of Pencils

Although many of you may need your memory refreshed to realise it, everyone has a box of old, largely unused colour pencils sitting around from their childhood. Why? Simple: colouring things in with pencils was fun when you were 5 but isn't fun now. But you're not going to throw away a box of quality pencils, are you? No, no, no. So, why waste them? Here's 10 things you can do with a box of coloured pencils.

1. If your gilfriend is unusually on-edge but you don't want to risk making things worse by belting out 'are you having your period?' in the midst of heated discussion, simply use your pencils to draw a graphical representation of menstruation with a giant question mark next to it on a piece of paper. Place the drawing on your coffee table and leave the house. When you return, with some luck, your girlfriend would have filled in the answer to your question. NB. You will need to double check that you have a red pencil before attempting this.
2. If you're at a party and intend to achieve success with the opposite sex, carry around a violet pencil. Use 'do you think this pencil is purple or magenta?' as your opening line.
3. Place it in your mouth as if it's a cigarette and if someone says 'what are you doing?' say, 'goodness gracious me, I thought I was smoking a cigarette. But it's not, is it? It's a pencil.' Laughter will ensue.
4. If you're a male married with a child and the child is being naughty, use a black pencil to graffiti your child's door with 'I SHAGGED YOUR MOTHER.' It will be funny because it's true.
5. Host a pencil-themed party. Everyone must come dressed as their favourite pencil. Everyone must come as a different colour, or else they will be ejected. All sentences must start with the phrase 'my pencil' or else ejection occurs also. Ejection results in banishment to a dark room called the 'pencil case'. Promiscuous women can be referred to as 'pencil sharpeners'. Derogatory comments towards pencils will be met with violence.
6. When attending a restaurant, replace all your cutlery with pencils whilst staff is not looking. When the waiter next comes around, exclaim 'I asked for Light Blue, not Cyan!'
7. Bang two pencils together to the rhythm of the Astro Boy theme. WHAMMY!
8. Obtain a copy of the original film reels for the Empire Strikes Back. Use the pencils to draw on your own special effects frame by frame and release your own Special Edition.
9. Before going out, replace all your cigarettes in your cigarette packet with pencils. When people ask you for a cigarette, give them one of the pencils, light it up and then walk away.
10. Draw a pretty picture.

Vomit.

a Danielle Basso collaboration

More Neurosis

I'm thirsty. IGA is uphill. Uphill is bad. I exert more energy going uphill than I would if the path to IGA was flat (or downhill). Exerting energy is bad because it causes me pain. Pain is bad.

I watched another Woody Allen film today. I think watching two new Woody Allen films in the space of 2 days was a bad idea. Watching one a week was fun and I found myself being charmed by his neurosis whilst simultaneously experiencing a warm empathy for it. Just what one wants on a Sunday night. I don't know why - it was probably the film itself, but I found myself getting dragged down with him this time. Being dragged down is bad - even when it's just a figure of speech.

My continuing odyssey through John Lennon's solo back catalogue also resulted in me digging up his angriest, most frustrated release. I listened to that twice this morning. I don't think that helped either.

I achieved nothing at uni today. Achieving nothing is bad. What good is it being alive if i'm just going to waste time? There are neurotic middle-aged people all over the world kicking themselves over their wasted youth and, here I am, completely aware of this and I'm still wasting entire days.

I finished all the milk. I won't be able to eat my muesli tomorrow morning. I'll have no energy the entire day. I won't achieve anything again. I'm sick of buying food because I feel like a disgusting, wasteful loser after buying food. There's no coffee in the house either. I'm going to leave the house tired and miserable tomorrow.

I keep putting the heater on. The electricity bill is going to go up. Everyone will blame me. Even if they don't take the step of asking me to pay more than the divvied up share, they're going to make pay with their silent scorn and derision.

I'm still thirsty.

Mark Lobo and Yuri Koskov-Koskov discuss Donnie Darko

Reviewers Comments...

Mark: Yuri, I really felt a strong bond with the characters in this film I felt they all had an individual story and all fit together perfectly. A great modern day film.

Yuri: Really? Well to be honest, I didnt like it. I found the film very pretentious and basically not at all what i expected. And in the case of this film, I really thought that this was a bad thing.

Mark: [shakes head] I have to strongly disagree with you on that. You can’t judge a film by the disappointment you experience based on false and unreasonable expectations, perhaps due to your tendency to get sucked in by every movie trailer you see. The movie was great.

Yuri: I wasn’t sucked in by a movie trailer. I just thought the whole thing was inappropriate. Normally I would praise a director for being brave enough to make a sequel which is wildly different to its predecessors - but I thought this was comically bad to be honest

Mark: What on earth are you talking about?

Yuri: I just thought it was a silly continuation of the series and Frank the rabbit was a very poor way to compensate for Doc not being in the film.

Mark: Did you even understand the film? Why are you talking about Doc?

Yuri: I just thought it was disappointing that he wasn’t in the film. They could have at least got Leah Thompson back to play McFly’s mother.

Mark: MCFLY? God, Yuri……. I knew you were a bit dim, but seriously; how could you possibly mistake Donnie Darko for a Back to the Future Sequel?

Yuri: What? You mean it wasn’t?

Mark: You fool! The fact that both movies have a common element of time travel doesn't make it a sequel! If that were the case then Legally Blonde would be considered a sequel to The Firm! WOULDN’T IT! [bangs fist on coffee table]

Yuri: well, either way, Jake Gyllenhaal is no Michael J. Fox.

Mark: Idiot… anyway, I loved this film; I give it a GPA of 7. Full marks. Yuri?

Yuri: I was going to give this movie a GPA of 2 but in light of this new information, I think I’m going to have to go watch it again

[station close]

The Definitive List of Bodily Fluids

1. Water
   
2. Blood
3. Urine
4. Semen
5. Snot
6. Puss
7. Vomit
8. Mucus
   
9. Saliva
10. Tears
11. Cerebrospinal fluid
12. Synovial fluid
13. Aqueous humour
14. Bile
15. Milk
16. Amniotic Fluid
17. (insert scientific name for vaginal juice)
    
18. The white stuff that comes out when you pop a pimple (or is this puss?)
    
19. Cytosol
20. Extracellular Fluid
    
21. Sebum
22. Menses
    
23. Lymph
24. Sweat